Lies, lies, lies...

I saw this angry face shouting "Lies, lies, lies!"

It was my face, the face of a mad man driven mad and wild by deceit and hurt. I was shouting at someone I used to know, someone who hurt me so. He looked at me with such disdain and bemusement, with such pity. A former lover.

How did I get into this? How did I invest my love and devotion in someone who has already found happiness and moved on? The most bizarre thing in the dream... I had somehow agreed to go biking with the ex and his partner. How did I even agree to it? 

I shouted and was so full of rage and so filled with fear and hurt. "LIES, LIES, LIES!" 

Once hurt, always hurt... Once betrayed, never to be trusted. 

I woke up with my head hurting, my mind  so dizzy with the images of dream yet to fade away...

Planespotting

OI woke up close to noon, exhausted for some reason, and felt too heavy to drag myself to work. I called in "sick".

My head was spinning and my mind racing around in misery and pain. Where did it all come from? How I wish I could empty it all...! How I long for someone who can be with me to hear me vent and hold me as u do so...

I grabbed my bike and biked westward, toward the airport. I had an urge to watch planes take off. 

I passed by an ice cream parlour where the ex and I loved to stop at on a hot summer's day for a chill soft drink and cold gelato or chocolate ice cream (or both!) It was a fun place, full of memories. "Wild  Willy" was all we had to say to conjure the idea of a long day of biking and laughing in the sun and ice cream as a reward. "Wild Willy" was also a long running inside gag he and I shared. 

 I was looking forward to reliving old memories, but to my great disappointment, the place closed down. The shop sign changed. "Wild Willy" no more... I realised again: dreams and hopes and expectations are never reliable. Nothing ever stays te same. And how poignant that the place where my ex and I shared so many fond memories of is now gone, gone forever..

I biked further, to the lake side and sat on a bench. For a long time, as the same set I watched planes fly by. It was close to eight, the time for Europe-bound flights. 

One by one I bid them farewell and wished them a smooth and pleasant flight...

And then I remembered... It was almost two years ago that I came here and cried as I watched mum's plane take off overheard. I saw it leave, inch further and further away from me, and what void I felt at the sight. I imagined her siting in the front of the plane (I upgraded her to business class...) and I cried and cried uncontrollably. I somehow knew that would be the last time she would set foot in Canada. And it really was... After seeing her then and bidding her farewell at the airport, it was all downhill. The next time I saw her was four months later, at the hospital, a few hours after they wheeled her out of the surgery room. 

I sit here now and watch the planes fly off Into the distance. The void has grown so much, the tears keep on falling.

I miss the past, the ice creams, the running gags, the hugs... I miss mym's voice, seeing mum smile and hearing her laugh...

The void is truly deep now.

Dream: friends mum

A friend's mum came for his graduation and I met her and spoke to her a bit. 

Tonight, in that dreamlike state of consciousness I dreamt of mum... Dreamt of mum being here with me, dreamt of two years ago when she really was here with me, when I did everything to make he comfortable, when I sent her to get massages so she wouldn't be sore any more...

How heavy my mind! How painful the memories...

Do not forget

I feel like crying... Crying, even though I have cried so much already. Crying, because somehow almost everything, I see, hear or touch touches my already fragile insides.

I know it has almost been a year. And what a year it has been! So tough the days, so gruesome, lonely and terribly frightening the nights! How did I get through this year almost all  on my own? How did I get through this year when friends I thought could support and hold me in times of desperation with time grew to be wary of my sorrows and too tired and too annoyed to see a boy grieving and struggling to be "normal" again?

I cry, but the tears only make me feel so much emptier and so much heavier than before. I cry, but the tiredness and heaviness only weighs heavier on my mind.

"Do not forget," a friend in grieving who lost her mother seven years ago reminded me, "That they do not know what it feels like to lose a parent..." She tried to joke about the fact that when someone gives her the same old platitude she feels like punching them in the face. Because they do not know, they cannot possibly know, and they have no right to tell you it's been too long or that you are behaving irrationally. Nothing takes too long with grief. It takes as long as it will take...