Travels

Brussel, Koblenz, Frankfurt/Main...

In the last three days, I've wandered around three cities. All very different places, with different vibes and atmospheres, and all three important in their own ways. Originally I wanted to go to Berlin, to take my mum there and fulfill one of dad's wishes while he was alive to one day visit this unique Germany city of two divided stories. Alas, we cancelled the trip at the last minute because mum was not feeling well suddenly. Perhaps too much traveling, too long away from her own comfortable home, and also her health supplements and medicines are running low.

Now back "home" in the Netherlands... but really wishing I was somewhere else, on the road, free from the inhibitions of living in someone else's house. After I 'lectured' my brother the other day, there was a slight improvement. The very next evening (while I was away in Brussel), my brother actually proposed to go walk around the local forest with mum, and they seemed to have a good chat... But coming back home today, it's more or less back to the same old habit of sitting glued to his computer, barely looking up to talk to us.

I can try to understand if someone is so love-struck and wants to spend every moment of the day bonding with the other person. But I cannot understand why brother keeps on saying he's so busy, but can spend so much time chatting. Worse is, before mum and I left the other day, she left my brother note and asked him to make an appointment for her next medical check-up. Not done, and mum was of course disappointed. Too busy, he said, and plus he only saw the note this afternoon. But it was close to ten in the evening when we returned, and the appointment was still not made... In the end, I made the appointment online, something that takes 2minutes...


Three more days till going home... my own home.

Another death...

She wrote to me a few days ago, but because I was travelling I didn't read past the first line. Until this evening.

As I read the lines, I was overcome by shock... and also remorse why I didn't read the email and reply when I sent it. This close friend and mentor just lost her mother, and this was only a few months after losing her dear sister... how much pain and loss can a person take within such a short period of time?

I know she's a strong person, that she'll probably find something to help her get through this all, and that she has a caring husband who'll be there for her... but I can only imagine her pain, her loss of her own dear mother.............

All because of (among other things)... a bathtub

A long while after dinner, brother came to sit down with mum and I in the living room. He poured himself a glass of wine and began.

He's been stressed at work, and doesn't have much free time. Without wanting to be confrontational, I pointed out that he seems to have a lot of free time to chat online with his girlfriend every night the moment he gets back from work. Why does he have time for that, but no time to spend with mum? Why is he so smiley and happy in front of the webcam, but so sulky and angry-looking in front of us?

It wasn't my intention to play the blame game, but just to point out the facts. All these days and weeks since mum has been here in Europe, my brother hardly spends time with her. Sometimes an evening would go by and they would hardly exchange a word... Why did I quickly rush back here, when I could have stayed and picked up my life back in Canada? It's because mum was feeling lonely, even though they're under the same roof every single night. "You can see your girlfriend when she visits later in the year", I said bluntly at one point, "But whether mum is still around then no one knows..."

I was upset, and I have every reason to be I believe, at my brother's behaviour and his attitude. And some things are best said out loud than left to simmer...

Who would have known my brother began to be defensive, saying he's been busy and exhausted by the ongoing renovations. He even blamed us left and right for not doing anything to help him, even if mum and I both live on different continents, and accused me of treating this place like a hotel. I didn't say much, but deep inside I was confused how I should treat this house when I don't even live here. Should I get on my knees and start scrubbing the floors as soon as I come here? Should I cook and clean and contribute to the electricity bill to make this place to make this place my own? I don't even live here anymore! I'd rather pay to stay at a hotel than be faced with a grumpy face every night. At least at a hotel I don't have to worry about leaving marks of the wall or water stains on the kitchen counter...

Then brother went on to say that it's not our place to say what he should or should not do after a hard day at work... I wasn't trying to tell him what to do. But is it so wrong to spend 5 minutes walking in the forest with mum after dinner? Is it so wrong to chit-chat with your blood relatives during dinner, instead of with an image of a person who's in another country, in another timezone?

And came perhaps the brunt of brother's irritation towards mum... The bath-tub incident two weeks ago. Mum wanted to take a bath, and used a scrub to scrub the surface clean. But scrubbing left some scratch marks which drew a whole torrent of wrath and angry exchanges between the two. Brother has been, as we learnt today, brooding over that incident and his precious bathtub ever since.

All because of a bath-tub! A piece of porcelain (or is it laminated artificial fibres?) that has no feelings or emotions can be the cause of so much sulky and anger, so much drama, hurt and tears? "There are so many bath-tubs out there," I blurted out, "But there is only one mum."

I left the room after saying what I needed to say. I don't harbour any ill feelings toward my brother, because he is the way he is. But what is incomprehensible is how one can put so much weight on insignificant little details and material things compared to spending more time with our own mother whose health and life is constantly hanging by a thin thread? All this anger and ill feeling and sulking will do nothing to improve her condition... if anything, once again mum has been utterly disappointment in the worry, care and love she has devoted to bringing my brother up...

I sure hope brother heard what I have had to say today. I really thought brother had changed, that he had softened and become more susceptible to feelings and reason after seeing our friend pass away a few months ago... but all this proves otherwise, which is very disheartening. Most of all for mum...

My fear is that if brother continues like this, and the day comes when mum does finally leave (and that day will certainly come...), he will live the rest of his life with anger and regret. That's why I'm telling him all these things... trying to talk him into treasuring the moments that we still have together as a family, because those moments are lost and gone forever...

Anyways, I'm leaving tomorrow to wander around neighbouring countries for a bit.
And by this time next week I'm out of here.

Sea

Only when I stopped walking and stood still did I realise what I miss. The sea at Scheveningen.
It's not the most beautiful in the world. In fact, earlier this afternoon, mum said it looked like a black sea, because of its murky green colour. But it's the same sea I've been visiting every so often, sometimes on impulse, growing up.

I stood before the sea, and admired the sun set. The last rays of day, that radiant red and orange on the horizon which seemed to sink and then suddenly vanish under the sea. Waves tried to tag my feet, and I listened to the echoes of the breeze while seagulls rode the winds.

This is what I miss, especially after a long, turbulent day.

Another victim

Mum and I went to see her, as promised, and just before stepping in the door mum told me that this auntie has changed a lot since I saw her last year.

Indeed, as soon as she opened her door, I could hardly recognise her. Her hair was different, her face looked 'puffy', and she limped as she walked, and trailed behind us on the stairs, as her body was still weak. Another victim of cancer, and a good friend of my mum's, one of the few people we've kept in touch with after all these years.

We sat down, and this auntie and my mum began exchanging "tales at the hospital". A lighthearted discussion about their experiences of chemo treatments, hospital food, doctors and recovery... even though the core of the topic was as serious as life and death. Seven months of ordeal with doctors and hospitals, yet they still do not know what exactly is wrong with her... and during the recent "A" flu scare, when authorities urged people to get vaccinated, she was one of those who did. The vaccination almost killed her, and her body swelled like a balloon overnight, her lymph glands grew to the size of fists all over her body, most likely an negative reaction to the chemical medicine she's been taking. If this is not medical malpractice, I'm not sure what is...

The auntie has a jovial aura around her, and when I was growing up here by myself, she would occasionally look me up. I sat and looked at how she has changed and aged, yet admired the way she manages to stay so positive and strong despite setbacks and near deaths.

She and mum talked and encouraged one another, friends in sickness, friends in health. As we turned to leave, there was a brief, brief moment when they looked at each another and told one another to take care.

A moment that was genuine and real, because they know and understand what the other is going through.

Disappointments...

Mum sat at the dining table, and wiped her tears. So disappointed was she. I looked at her, sitting there, a grown up, my own mother, crying. And it pains me a lot... I felt my own tears swell, but held them back.

Perhaps she had too many hopes? Hoping that coming to stay here she could rest and recuperate... hoping that she could spend some more precious time with the children, because it might very well be the last... But sometimes it's best not to hope, lest one wants to be disappointed.

Disappointed, she is, most of all at brother's attitude toward her, toward us, while we are. She's done so much, given him so much, but he gives her the cold shoulder. He's grumpy and rude when he talks to her (and me, but that's not new and not so important...). I'm not sure what we ever did to wrong him so... perhaps it's our mere presence, the mere fact that we are staying in his new home and making the floors and walls so dirty by just walking around that disgusts him so...

Worst of all, he spends most of his free time in front of the computer chatting with his girlfriend, while ignoring mum who had come all the way here to spend time together. I don't understand how he can be so smiley and laughing so much in front of the webcam, but off the cam when he sees us, his face is so sulky and so angry...

So this morning I changed mum's ticket, pre-poned it to three days from today, instead of next week. She felt relieved to be able to leave early, but also sad... how has it come to this, she asked. What has she done to deserve this? That's when she cried and wiped her eyes... a mother's sorrow at an ungrateful son...

Since mum is leaving early, I'm also tried to change my ticket... but it'll cost over 1000Euros!
I'm still weighing the options and wondering what to do. Maybe I'll just go wander around Europe for a few days and come back in time to pick up my suitcase next week... or maybe I'll have to waste money by buying another ticket.

Whatever the option, I know I don't and won't stay here in my brother's house...

Almost unberable

Back home, my brother's home, for less than 24hrs, and it's beginning to be almost unbearable. Is it because I'm using his water, his kitchen, sleeping in his (spare) bedroom, or the fact that I'm using his electricity? Or is it because I'm petting his cat, or am I in his way?

Bad enough that I feel this way in the same home (though much renovated) that I grew up in... imagine what it must be like for mum, who bought this place years ago with dad... imagine how disappointed she must feel being here, and feeling so uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Mum had originally wanted to stay till the end of the month, but it seems like she might change her plans. I will leave if she does...