Weekend in the wilderness.

Weekend in the wilderness.
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It's been beautiful being out in the wilderness, being in tune with nature and surrounded by strangers. I signed up for this weekend get away, partly to immerse myself in a French speaking environment, partly to get out and force myself to meet new people, and hopefully make new friends. And a large part, to finally leave how to cross country ski and snowshoe. Four years in Canada, and I still don't know how to do these quietessential  Canadian activities, still don't fully appreciate winter for what it is.

We hiked around the forest and lake Tamaracousa for hours, learned how to build a "Quincy" and make shift teepee, and I huddled the whole evening around a fire a bunch of us built and maintained for hours. I felt so calm, so peaceful watching the fire burn and dance, crackle and jump. Again, I was swimming in this romantic mood i often get when I am outdoors. Somehow nature brings us home, brings us calm and brings us all closer together...

And I thought about the guy I met two days earlier. How is that possible? Why do I daydream about him, about seeing him again? I hardly know him, let alone what he feels and how he thinks. Maybe I'm just another fling and sex partner in the eyes of his youthful stage of discovery. But why did we kiss on the lips as we parted? Why did he tell me to let him know as soon as I'm back in Montreal?

 Does he feel something too? What is there, if anything, when we're separated by so many years? Age is just a number, he told me, and reminded me... But I feel it's something in the way, as much as I have grown fond of him within just days of meeting. I want to see him again, if possible as soon as I get back home tomorrow. But is that not too much? Is it not being too impatient and pushy? Perhaps it'll drive him away and make me look like such a desperate old fool...

New friend

I woke up next to him, a sweet beautiful boy. I felt bad having to wake him, but we were up all night, just chatting and lying next to one another.

When did I last do that? I do not remember. I can no longer remember. It's been too long, far too long since I felt such connection, such light and joyous feelings with someone.

He is beautiful, young, and sweet. He's smart, eloquent, and has gone through so much in life already. We hit it off as soon as we exchanged numbers and started to exchange text messages. The first night we must have sent one another over a hundred. Back and forth, exchanging lived and notes, travels, likes and getting to know one another. I felt something there. He felt it too, I feel.

We had dinner, we walked home from downtown almost, and we headed to my place. I asked if he wanted to stay over. I was afraid he would say no. But my fears were unfounded.

Both of us were afraid, shy, unsure how to proceed. But we both knew what we wanted. We chatted, the conversation knew no end-- places we've been, places we want to go, coping with the loss of a parent, outlook on life and having children... The conversation  seemed to know no end, at least not till it was past two in the morning.

Then the awkward moment. Where to sleep. I said there's a spare bedroom. We decided to sleep together in one bed. Our skin touched. I felt his arm, his hand, and I held it. We lay staring at one another in the eyes. I stroked his face.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, softly.
We did. Later I learned he wanted to kiss me as soon as he saw me. I think I wanted to kiss him as soon as i saw the picture he sent me... He kept kissing me, wanting to kiss me. At one point he said he hoped he was not "smothering" with his signs of affection.

It was a beautiful night. He touched my body, and I did his. We kissed, and kissed again. he said my tongue, the touch of it, aroused him so, drove him wild. I could not believe here was such a beautiful boy lying next to me, and that we were intimately getting to know one another. We explored each other's bodies and minds, pasts and likes. More and more I liked him, and hoped he liked me. What was happening? What were we doing or becoming, if anything at all?

"All things will come together... All things fall apart... Things will be the way they are, just as they are. Enjoy the moment..."

I savoured his touch, his company, and for the first time in so long, I finally felt loved and fulfilled...

Commemration ceremony

It's been over two since since the start of the lunar new year, and only managed to find time today to make offerings to mum and dad.

I woke up early and cooked. In fact the preparations began yesterday already, when I went to Chinatown after work to buy ingredients and vegetables. I was in luck, for it was late and I needed to have a whole chicken (per tradition) and wanted to get some duck, which was dad's favourite. The store was about to close. And there, hanging over the counter was the last duck and last chicken of the day. To borrow from Ang Lee's Oscar Best Director acceptance speech, "Thank you, Food God".

It was a solemn ceremony. I made several vegetables, bought egg tarts and made a red bean soup with glutinous rice balls (sesame filling) as dessert. I bought a bottle of Evian mineral water, and some fermented tofu for mum. I got out the cups mum and dad used often when they were still around, and poured freshly made green tea.

I kneeled on my knees, and closed my eyes. My eyes began to tear. The first time ever I worshiped to them both. First time is the most difficult time...

I welcomed them home, and apologized that I could not be there this year, in Taiwan, to see them personally. But I hoped, as i told them, the table-ful of offerings could make up for my absence. I went sat on the floor for a while, watched the Almond Roccas, the nougat sweets, the canned beverages, offerings of assorted fruits, including dad's favourite mangoes, bananas and mum's favourite berries. Little things that I know will speak to their hearts, that I hope can tell them, if they are around, that I think of them still, and that I still remember them and their favourite things...

On the floor I sat, and recalled the other day I was at the store buying something in preparation for this event. I tried to picture dad's face, tried to conjure the sound of his voice, but I could not. At least not immeditately And with mum... for a split second, I also forgot what she looked like, sounded and how the touch of her skin felt... A sense of panic overcame me. Am I forgetting already? Am I such a "bad" son to forget (even if temporarily) the faces of the people who gave birth to me?

At the end of the ceremony, I threw coins to ask whether my parents had finished. In one go, I got my answer. I bowed with deep reverence, and thanked them. I asked for their blessings, asked them to watch over brother, my nephew and sister-in-law. I also asked them to watch over me, to give me a bit of strength and help me find my motivation again. For truly the past two three months have been extremely difficult and lonely.

I went to lie down, exhausted from the ceremony, exhausted from the flood of emotions, and with moist eyes, I slept...

SXM-PHL

SXM-PHL

The clouds below are so beautiful, fluffy, white splashed with a hint of orange and gold. We're flying into the sunset, northward back to the cold temperatures of the American continent. Goodbye Caribbean warmth, goodbye cloudless blue skies... Soon I'll be back in the big city, back to life and work and all that.

It's been a really refreshing and relaxing few days. I am surprised by how much I enjoyed myself, even if most of the time was alone. I regained confidence in my ability to bike, and the much feared knee pains did not return. I enjoyed the sun, playing in the ocean, walking on the sand and listening to the waves... It was truly beautiful and I let go of myself, let myself just be with the moment (at least at most moments...)

Life could be like this. Just being, just going outdoors, exploring and letting yourself be amazed and awed by all that there is to discover and do...

Call from SXM

Phone call from SXM

I called just a little before ten in brother's local time. I guess I should have factored in the fact that they had jetlag and were probably in bed. They were in fact in bed.

It was the first time we spoke in over a week. I've been trying to call, but could not get through. Then I left on holiday, and my phone was acting funny (especially, for some reason, when I moved to the French side of the island...). I saw several missed calls, I tried calling back.

Only today did I manage to get through. He was groggy when he answered. The first thing he talked about was whether I got the money he transferred. That seemed to be more important. I texted two day earlier to say acknowledge that. Several times he asked if I got the money, and then he said there's mail for me and told me to check my email.

"Where are you?"

I told him a few days ago that I went to Sint Maarten.

"What are you doing going there? Who did you go with?"

"It's my birthday. I just wanted to go somewhere..." And who would I go with? My stuffed monkey and two inanimate bears-- one from the ex who smiles all the time, the other was given to me by my dead mother. Who else would I be with?

There was no birthday wish. Maybe he tried to call me on that day to wish me something. But certainly there wasn't even a message to that effect. And he didn't even ask me how I'm doing, how I've been.

He said he has to work in the morning. I said I'm sorry to have disturbed him from his sleep. I said goodbye and hoped he can sleep again.

That was that.