Low skies

I think my friends and I agree. The weather makes us really depressed.

The Netherlands is not called the 'Low Lands' just because of its low land, but also because of its low skies. Sometimes the clouds are so low if feels like you can reach out and touch it. Some days, like in the past week or so, clouds are so low and so dense you don't see the sun. And the clouds are so gray, so thick and so impenetrable. And really thick and low clouds causes the atmosphere to depress, and in turn causes people to be depressed.

So it explains the sudden dip in my mood in the last few days (and in the mood of my writings recently...). It explains me feeling really lazy and 'blargh', and feeling like I want to sleep all the time. It also explain my special trip(s) to the supermarket to stock up on chocolate, and the tonnes of chips and chocolate ice cream that I had this evening, while indulging ourselves watching two happy-sappy-romantic movies.

In the fantasy world of Hollywood, the people are always perfect. Their clothes, houses, little lives, are perfect... even though in the one-and-a-half hour glimpse into their lives they may experience many sad and bad moments, everything turns out to be wonderful and sugar-coated. Lost love is found, and those with no love is suddenly surprised by the prince who is just around the corner, but (s)he never meets until the very last scene.

I walked my 'girlfriend' home, because it was already close to three in the morning, and really dark. We talked about the movies, and compared it to our own lives. Such contrasts!

For one thing, people are complicated and hard to handle. People are manipulative and deceiving, especially in the harsh, cruel, cold profession of lawyers. It's not about giving and receiving, but seems to be about taking, taking, taking, without thinking about what other people might want or need. It's a soulless existence, of hard drinking, of lost spirits and humanities, of disappointed people who work constantly, get paid huge amounts of money, but loose their health and time to be themselves in the process. A world I dread and dislike with all my heart, and which I thankfully am not too stuck in...

And because of this, there are serious emotional and personal issues in the people we meet. Some think they have found the perfect soul mate and will not let go. Some will try to bring you down because you won't give them what they want. Some will use power and sex to get to high places. Some will use money to buy power and sex... Some want to be more than friends, even though the other feels nothing back. Some are manipulative and try to act or say things to make you feel guilty, in order too get you to give them what they want... Some push into your lives and want to make you theirs, and want to invade your privacy and personality, because they suddenly found what they've been looking for all their life. But it's selfish, and it completely traps the person they want to cling onto, and they don't realise they are causing the other person hurt and pain. Worse is when the person is too shy or too sympathetic to make it clear that it's really unpleasant, and that the other person is being too pushy and selfish.

What is the balance? How do you find that someone in your life to share life with, but not completely depend on that other person for happiness? How do you share your life with someone else, but each person still have a life of his/her own? How do you make it clear to someone that they are being too controlling, being too invasive, and not hurt their feelings? How do you deal with someone who is sensitive to rejection, and will manipulate you into accepting him/her into your life, when you know that by accepting that person you loose your own happiness and sanity?

It's questions my friend and I have no answers to. It's questions both of us fear facing, and really are lost when it comes to looking for the answer.

I suddenly remembered what I learnt in those many months I lived in a Buddhist monastery... Life should be lead with compassion, love and wisdom. You can live life giving and caring for others, but you can't do it when you are jeopardising your own life or happiness to make others happy? How can you help others when you are wounded and already exhausted yourself? You will hurt them, even though your intentions may be good, because you are doing things for others to please them, to temporarily take away their pain and confusion, but the roots of your actions are themselves painful and confused.

Be a lotus flower, is my favourite parable which I like to tell myself (and others) when I'm lost or confused. A lotus is a beautiful plant that grows only in mud. You wouldn't expect it, but the dirtier and muddy the water, the more elegant and attractive the flower of the lotus becomes. So a lotus grows in a dirty and grimy environment, but turns out to be beautiful and the adoration and envy of the world. You can come from and live in bad circumstances, but still maintain your natural flair and beauty. You may not be able to change the lives of others, or to give to others all you wish you could, but you could show them there is beauty and hope out there...

OK, maybe such metaphors and allegories and beautiful imageries and similes won't cure us of our pains and take away the stresses and longings in our lives.... maybe this kind of positive thinking and good thoughts won't get us what we want in life and in love... but at least it's comforting. It's soothing, and heart warming.

Especially when the days and weather are cold and depressed.

"In My Secret Life"

At the office still, close to 7pm on a Friday evening...
The day's long ended,
I feel tired and a bit sick.
Of what I'm not sure.

Not sure what to do now, just that I don't want to go home.
Wander the streets, go cycling to nowhere,
Pretend as if I'm waiting for someone at a street corner,
Anywhere but go home.

Feel like I need to lie down and take a nap...
Just sleep away, sleep and go away.

Then I came across this song, which describes well what I feel like,
And who I am.
At least for now.

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can’t seem to
loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in
sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile
when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get
by.
But I know what is wrong
,And I know what is right.
And I’d die for
the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My
sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through
the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My
Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to
cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you
thinking
That it’s either black or white.
Thank G-d it’s not that
simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I’m
told:
From the latest hit,To the wisdom of old.
But I’m always
alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold
In My Secret
Life.

Lost

I've been filled with emotions for a number of days, and I feel like if I don't get them out, they're going to burst! : (

I guess that's the great thing about maintaining a blog... you can get the thoughts out on 'paper', talk, complain or cry or praise about people and things in your life, and feel much better afterwards. At least I hope so...



There are blessings and curses about being a Pisces. It's two fish, joined at the head and tail, completing an endless circle, forming an endless whole that is complete. I'm sensitive, warm, and can be sympathetic towards things and people around me.... but then again, I'm shy, insecure, and too sensitive to other people's reactions.... or worse, to other people's rejections. And being single, I always feel like there's another half of me missing, feel like I'm not complete, and that I lack a big chunk, without which makes me feel really empty and lost inside.

And I really feel that. I feel like I need to have somebody around me to make me 'whole', someone who is just there to make me feel less lonely, someone to make me feel (if only temporarily) that I'm not a lonely fish when there are supposed to be two fish.

I go out with my friends, and I smile and enjoy the company, but when it comes to going home, I feel really empty, and dread going home. Especially to a home where I don't talk to anyone, and to a home where the closest thing to warmth and love is from my cat...

It's not good, I know it myself. My friend once told me that people sometimes need to learn to be alone, and need to know how to spend time on their own. She said even when you find a partner, or 'other half' if you like to call it, you still cannot depend on that other person to give you happiness and feeling of completion. Because it's just selfish to do that, and because if you depend too much on other person to make you feel complete, you force that person to give, give, give, and when s/he doesn't give what you expect or want from him/her, you feel hurt and frustrated. A health person is one who can love, but also be lonely, and be just as happy being in love and loving as when he is lonely.


So I live my life with these great ups and downs... ups from the moments when I'm with someone, and laugh and have fun, and feel the warmth and connection through the little joys that we get from spending time together... it may just be cycling, or talking quietly over a warm cup of tea, or it may be watching the sunset, or it may be working together on a project... it doesn't have to be long, but the time together is certainly quality time, and priceless.

And when that time is over, then the down comes... I'm left feeling lost, lonely and alone, wondering what to do, feeling like there's that will entertain me, and long so much to be acknowledged by someone, anyone! I constantly look at my mobile, wondering whether anyone has called me, or check my email, wondering whether anyone has written to me... just sitting there, longing and waiting for the next moment when I can be with someone again... for the next moment when one fish can become two.

Up and down, down and up... seems like my world and happiness revolves around that of others. Even a therapist a number of years told me, I'm like a moon, and I continually circle other people ('planets') and find my centre of 'gravity'/attraction in other people...

So it was when I went out with a friend the other day. We had a great time, at least I thought... just doing very simple things, and I felt like I found yet another centre of gravity to revolve around. But I was afraid to get too close, afraid that if I do I'll push away a new found friend, and loose everything. And also afraid what the other person might think, or whether the feelings are mutual. So we parted, like as usual when I leave, and I went home feeling a little lost, regretful, wondering and confused afterwards. Again, a great example of the up and the downs of my rollercoaster ride of emotions, and my constant battle for company and the constant haunting of loneliness that hunts me down every time...



And today... I felt really blah :( waking up. I work into work, and coincidentally I met I went to 'girlfriend', and we went to lunch together. It was the same cafeteria where last time this guy kept checking me out and smiling at me... and today he was there again (of course, he works there!). This time the smiles and flirts were even more obvious. I must have looked a little dazed and lost, and at one point I sleepily rubbed my eyes. He saw that (of course, because he was watching me...), and probably found it cute or something and said very loudly and openly "Yes, life is hard!" At first I didn't realise he was talking to me, then he said it again, grinning widely, and winking.

I didn't know how to respond. I was still a bit down from the other day, so I didn't really react. But the guy was trying so hard, seriously trying to strike up a conversation (or trying to flirt...). For example, I bought a cup of tea, and chose rooibos flavour, and he said something like it was his favourite tea of all. But I was just a bit 'fragile' and insecure to reciprocate the flirting, so just let the chance go...

And afterwards, I felt more like sh*t, because who knows, there might be something there... Or at least, maybe I could have made a new friend, and not feel as lonely as I do now.

Anyways... this is just the confused, lost, rambling state of mind I'm in right now... feeling empty, hoping that I'd find that other fish to make two fish in me complete... if only temporarily.

And, yes... after writing all this, even though it may read like complete rubbish and may not even make any sense... I do feel better.

Answer

A beautiful song from the movie "The Brave One" I watched with a friend last night...
Again, it says so much, with so little.

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you cant look down

If it takes my whole life I wont break I wont bend
Itll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
youll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes a whole life I wont break I wont bend
Itll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
Youll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind

"Wrong move by the US"

A few days ago, the China Daily carried the following headline:

“Wrong move by the US”

No surprise, as the Chinese government-controlled media machinery spread propaganda about the despicable and utterly unacceptable fact that the Dalai Lama was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal—the most prestigious civil award in the US. A severe interference in China’s sovereignty, a completely disgraceful violation of the conduct of international relations, an act that the US will need to bear the consequences of.

The reason, as the opinion piece explains, was that the Dalai Lama:

“has been engaged in secessionist activities for many years in his vicious attempt to split Tibet from the motherland and instigate political unrest in the autonomous region”.

This is referring to the same Tibetan leader-in-exile who, along the likes of Nelson Mandela and Aung San Suu Kyi, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The same person who last year was granted Honorary Canadian Citizenship for being a leading champion “peace and non-violence”. It makes you wonder, how can a spiritual leader universally recognised as a man of harmony and piety be as evil and as violent as the Chinese government likes to denigrate and defile him on every occasion?

Of course, the background to this is the fact (or at the very least, the official statement repeated time and time again by the Chinese government) that:

“Tibet has been an integral part of China since ancient times and Chinese central governments of several dynasties have exercised sovereignty over it”.

Yes. Exactly the reason why Tibet had to be invaded in 1950, and why millions of Tibetans, monks and nuns have been, and continue to be, oppressed and persecuted since. Former British Prime Minister Thatcher, commenting that the “Chinese claim to Tibet is dubious on historical grounds”, wrote:

“The Chinese now appear to have resolved upon a programme of ‘modernisation’ that involves shifting the ethnic balance in favour of Han Chinese and away from Tibetans, as a final solution to the continuing resistance. […] For two years running, Britain and the rest of the European Union have refused to co-sponsor a United States resolution at the UN Commission on Human Rights condemning China’s record. This attitude is not just shameful: it is also foolish. Any plaudits from the Chinese authorities for such actions are short-lived, nor are they needed: after all, in almost every field, the Chinese need the West more than we need China”.

Shame the rest of the world does not realise that… or at least does not dare challenge China on the issue of its dictatorial practices at home, and elsewhere. No matter, because there are improvements yet. Just witness the groundbreaking event heralding changes and great leaps forward will be happy to note that the President Hu Jintao has just been unanimously re-elected to serve another term in office, and in his speech he mentioned the word ‘democracy’ no less than 60 times. On the issue of Tibet, the chairman of the regional (read puppet) government of Tibet called the award by the US Congress an “injection of cardiotonic to secessionist activities”. Big words and beautiful rhetoric. He assured the public that the Dalai Lama’s “splittist and diversionist” actions won’t stop much of the social and economic progress that the people of Tibet have enjoyed since the Chinese occupation rule.

Indeed, as China sees it,

“Great changes have taken place in Tibet since the autonomous region was established in 1965 and especially after the economic reform and opening up in the late 1970s. Anyone who visits Tibet will witness how living standards have improved for the Tibetans.

The hardly accessible high plateau region can now be reached by air and land transport which was unimaginable when local Tibetans were under the rule of a serfdom system more than 40 years ago.

As far as religion is concerned, local Tibetans enjoy complete freedom to participate in any religious activity they choose.”

Hail to the Chinese Communist Party! If that’s the case, then Human Rights Watch must be spreading lies for the seventeenth year running, when it again reported last year:

Suspected “separatists,” many of whom come from monasteries and nunneries, are routinely imprisoned. In January 2006, Gendun, a Tibetan monk, received a four-year prison sentence for opinions expressed in his lectures on Tibetan history and culture. In June 2006, five Tibetans, including two nuns, were detained for publishing and distributing independence leaflets. In July, Namkha Gyaltsen, a monk, received an eight-year sentence for his independence activities. In August, armed police detained Khenpo Jinpa, an abbot. In September, Lobsang Palden, another monk, was charged with “initiating separatist activities.”

On September 30, Chinese People’s Armed Police shot at a group of approximately 40 Tibetan refugees attempting to cross the border into Nepal, killing a 17-year-old nun, Kelsang Namtso, and possibly others. The rest of the group fled, though witnesses reported seeing Chinese soldiers marching approximately 10 children back to a nearby camp. The official press agency Xinhua claimed that the soldiers were “forced to defend themselves,” but film footage showed soldiers calmly taking aim and shooting from afar at a column of people making their way through heavy snow.

In spite of plans for economic development of Tibetan regions, the opening of the Qinghai-Lhasa railroad in July 2006 exacerbated concerns among Tibetans that they would be unable to compete economically with an anticipated influx of Han migrants”.

And this BBC reporter must form part of a conspiracy of decadent conniving Western imperialists, why are trying to wreak havoc and social unrest within China:

Although people can worship openly, Beijing maintains ultimate control over Tibetan Buddhism.

An example of this control came earlier this month when China's State Administration for Religious Affairs issued new guidelines about who can and cannot be declared a "living Buddha". From 1 September, all reincarnated living Buddhas - eminent monks - will first have to be approved by the government.

[…]China seeks to control the selection of senior religious leaders in Tibet because it fears their political power. Although Beijing says Tibet has been part of China since the mid-13th century, eight centuries on there are still many who dispute that claim.

Beijing believes senior monks provide a focal point for those advocating Tibetan independence.

Familiar images of Burmese monks parading the streets spring to mind. Which cannot be separated from the images of brutal police crackdown and bloody repression.

Indeed, various Dutch local reported that just days after the Dalai Lama was awarded the US Congressional Award, hundreds of Tibetan monks who were celebrating the occasion clashed with policemen. It was said that these monks were surrounded by some 300 armed policemen, who forbid anyone to leave or enter the compound. Whether there have been casualties or deaths is unknown, and with China’s most sophiscated censorship machinery in the world, it is unlikely we will ever know.

Many things!

A lost shoe looking for a comfortable soul out at sea

It's suddenly become so cold! Very sunny, but so very cold, like it's the deepest winter, except the leaves are still more or less on the trees.

I spent a great deal of Sunday in bed, too lazy to get out of bed, and feeling still guilty from the night before for what my big mouth said, and how it hurt my friend. She called later in the afternoon, and we just talked on the phone as if nothing happened. Though, I told her, that I still felt bad, especially because she's someone I care about and love in my life, someone close that I have and that I need.

She was it was alright, and that it was nothing, or otherwise she wouldn't have called me and we wouldn't have talked for almost an hour! Slowly I started to feel a little better.

Well, I started to look into plans for next year. Remember sometime ago I mentioned that I'm planning something big and extraordinary? It's in fact plans to do another study next year... but this time in a land far, far away! After I went to Space Camp last month, I was somewhat inspired to go into more depth on space law, and perhaps one of the best place in the world is actually in Quebec, Canada!

It's a long-term plan, and also something that will need a lot of decisions and organising if I'm going to go ahead with the plan. But really, I want to get away from the Netherlands (most importantly, get away from this place and from my brother), and start a new life. What better way and place than to do so in a totally new country I've not even been to?

There's still a lot of work to be done, esepecially applying for a university, and also for scholarship. I really want to do this on my own, and in fact not many people know about this plan of mine yet. So it'll be some tough decision-making months to come....

My cat watching TV... a programme on the Animal Channel about the African desert! :)

I guess my plans to move abroad has a lot to do with the reason why I started my job at the university. I was expecting and hoping that I'd be paid and could save up some money. Well, after the shock that I'll be making much less than I thought, I'd really have to live on a thin budget in the coming times...

I did try to negotiate a better deal, and after my letter protest, my direct superior took the matter seriously. It turns out that everything has been a great big understanding... Not a good reason, but it explains a lot.

When I saw in August what I'd be making, it was the number that was taken into the budget. That amount of X is actually the amount the university will have to pay in terms of my salaries, my taxes, my insurance etc, etc... which always means that my salary will always be less than that X amount. I just didn't realise it would be 500Euros less, per month. They did some recalculation, and show me some figures and complicated government bureaucratic salary scaling system, and moved me up a little. So now I'll make 80Euros than the amount that was on the contract sent to me. Great improvement, indeed. But still poor pay.

It's the best they can do. My boss said very frankly, the university is not a "big pot of money", and this is the reality that pay is really bad, but they expect you to work hard! But then again, there are many holidays, and also extras like free coffee and the opportunity to meet important people who can really give me a career boost.

It took a few days, and I thought about it... I've come so far already, I've already been working and organising the big moot court for so many weeks now, and I've finally gotten used to my position and made new colleague-friends.... OK, the pay is terrible, but the experience invaluable. So I accepted, lowly cursing at the university, but then accepting my fate...


Another news... probably much better, at least I guess so. I'm meeting a friend for the first time ever tomorrow! Sounds contradictory, but we 'met' online, and have been mailing back and forth for a long while. He actually doesn't live too far away, but it seemed like it.
And last week I proposed to meet in person... a bold step, and I wasn't really sure how he'd respond.

But he actually agreed! :) So we'll be meeting and do somethings together... not sure what yet. Whatever happens will happen, I guess. But I'm looking forward to it excitedly!

Sesame memories

Came across these clips on Youtube that brought back many memories of Sesame Street : )