Sleeplessness

I lay in bed and could not sleep.

An intense emotion overcame me a flood of imagery flowed through the darkness and before my eyes.

I could see my mum.
I could see my dad.

I could see them and felt like they were around me.

I missed them.
I missed missing them.

I cried.

Empty home

Finally, the flat mates who have been staying with me for the past 12 days left an hour or so ago.
I felt a sigh of relief. The house is all the more quieter now. I am free to go and do whatever I want, and no longer have to be cooped in my room, where I have had to cramp my desk so I could work at night.

But now, I somehow feel so empty inside. Empty, and used.

It's not that I expect anything in return for helping a friend and his family in times of need.
But to what extent do you go to help someone and "sacrifice" (or forgo, to sound less dramatic...) your own comfort and freedoms? When does generosity become foolishness and a reason to be used and exploited?

I've had to put up with blaring music early in the morning, blaring music even in the evenings. My room's been entered into, the heating is turned up to the maximum throughout the apartment. And I just got a notice from my internet provider to say that somehow I exceeded my limit last month, and that only 6 days into the new calendar month, I have already gone past 50% of my limit.

My friend left earlier, and I helped carry their belongings to the car.
I received blessings, and was told how kind I am and how grateful I am.

But sometimes mere words cannot really compensate for anything.
It's not about the money, not entirely.
But if you bothered someone and took your family to go stay with a friend for 12 days, would you not offer to contribute something, especially if you fully have the means to do so?
I would feel so ashamed... But then that may be just me, someone who would rather "lie" and say I have a place to stay at already and go stay in a hotel than bother someone for even just one night.

Then again, maybe I'm being unfair to my friend. He's been going through a lot, and his family member is difficult to deal with. Perhaps the last thing on his mind is how to "repay" me.

for the moment, I just feel like I've been taken for granted once again. Like my house, like so many times before, is a place people can seek refuge when they need help. Like I am the fool to will take any body in and not demand anything in return.

As colleagues have said to me, there is a point when nice is being too nice. And then you are just a fool.

Room mates

It's been over ten days now since a friend and his mother moved into my apartment. They had a fire (and some other complications) and  had no place to go. So I took them in,  hoping to provide shelter to friends in need. It's not the first time, as I have had four other people stay over at my place (the longest for seven months...) over the past fice years or so. My place has become an asylum, and butt of jokes of sorts.

I really wanted to help and offer my place up to friends in need. But the situation is more complicated by the fact that my friend's mother is somewhat difficult to live with because she has a condition that causes her to react erratically. So I feel tensions at home, and for the past several days have  purposely avoided coming home too early so as to avoid using the kitchen. And the last thing I want is to come home and have dinner already cooked for me. I am just not comfortable with that. Even when staying with my mum while she was relatively well I didn't like her to cook for me and have dinner waiting for me.

And I noticed every day someone goes into my room. I know who it is, but am I going to confront the person, especially if the person is not totally sound? I know someone's been in there because my door is opened and the heating is turned on full blast, something I never do. I just detest the heat and stuffiness. So I come home everyday, for the past week or so (with the exception of three days in Vegas) and I feel violated that someone's been in my room and played with my heating . Is it trivial? Maybe. And when I asked about the heating the other day, the auntie said she didn't do anything.

 I now lived in the cramped space of my bedroom, with a desk squished in so I can do some work at night. There's dirty laundry everywhere as I  don't even use the washer because there is simply no place to hang my clothes to dry. my friend and his mother have taken over most of the space in the apartment. Even the kitchen is just full of their belongings, making me feel so disinclined to go in there and cook. And my food and fruits have been disappearing. To my frustration, the honey I have and use every day to make tea with is empty now.

I know my friend has things and problems of his own, especially having to fibd a place at short notice, and I admire, truly, the respect and love and care he shows his mother. But I feel like my offer of help when they are in need has just been taken for granted. Not that I want anything in return. But just a little appreciation that i live there too, and that it's my house and not to go into my room is enough. 

Either that , or I am becoming very petty and selfish. 

One more day, and they are gone.
It's been long enough.