Day out

We stood, braving the waves. Water swashed around us, and we were knee deep. I shivered, but it was too precious a moment to leave. The wind howled. We stood there, watching the roaring waves lounge toward us, in awe and admiration of what the forces of nature could do, and felt the white foamy water sizzle around our feet. The sun had set, but the last light of dusk dimmed in a reddish glow behind clouds.

The day had gone by so quickly, but I felt so alive and energetic from the deep talks we had, together. Heart to heart, eye to eye, hearing one another out, and just listening, relating, empathising. Sharing our pasts, talking about deep, deep feelings, bonding over a lovely dinner and with our mutual fears and dreams. It was as if layer by layer the skin and masks we wear to be able to live in this world were slowly shed. And it was comfortable to be just who we are, to be just honest, to be just human.

Wind blew in our faces, and made our hair wild. An empty beach, just the two of us it seemed, standing there dangerously where the sand merges into the sea, as we felt the ground beneath sink and suck from under our feet, the same feet that stood on this wide, wide world that lay before us. The seagulls teased the air, as dark clouds gathered in the distance far, far away.

We have both come a long way, and found this precious refuge in ourselves, and in each other. The waves roared and splashed, as the wind blow harder and colder. At times I was somewhat afraid, scared by the waves that ripped across the troubled surface of the sea and that were crashing onto shore. I guess I was concerned about the fact that my jeans were soaked and how difficult it would to get the sand out once we get home.

"Sometimes you have to live on the edge a little."

And my friend was right. Seeing her silhouette against the dimming horizon I admired her silently, and the way she stood her ground, and let the elements wash and blow over her, the way as if she was tempting life and nature and not afraid to loose. A flash of giddiness and enthusiasm took over her, different from the sort of calm that open and raw nature invokes from deep within me. Even so, we stood there, perhaps both treasuring the moment, and thinking how special it was to be sharing it together with each other.

The stars appeared, winking at the world and flirting with the the gulls that flew so low. The world seemed so much smaller, so much warmer. It's wonderful to talk, to share, to bond... to have a real friend.

Meeting

There he was, standing there, waiting for me. He smiled shyly, and I did the same. Neither of us knew what to say, but the innocent smiles on our faces said more than was necessary. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his. There was an unspoken connection, as if we had met before, but we looked at each other, as if trying to search on one another's faces where and when we had met before.

"Funny. It's like I know you from somewhere..." I held out my hand.

"Hm, but we never met before." He slowly raised his to meet mine.

"Maybe we have... in another life. And now we're meeting again." Our eyes met and never parted.

"Maybe." The touch of our hands sent indescribable feelings throughout my body. The touch of life, the touch of intimacy, the touch of having found something you've been looking for throughout your life, and have finally found again. I could feel his hand tremble slight in mine. Or was it my hand that was trembling?

He sighed, and closed his eyes the way you would when this feeling of utter bliss flows throughout your body. "I'm glad to finally meet you."

"And I..."

The birds were singing. Sun shone through the curtains. I opened my eyes.

It was a dream.

Gay visit

I bid farewell to the 'couple', wishing them all the best and safe journeys. It's funny how you can grow attach to people within just three days. A part of me was sad to see them go, disappointed and unwilling. It's been a short three days, but at the same time long and memorable.

It's really been a while since I've seen 'him', a gay friend I got to know through someone else, and one of the few gays I know. When I was wandering around Asia last year, he was so generous to let me stay at his place for a long time. We've been traveling together before, and it's always such a wild and fun time together, so when he said he's coming to Europe for a visit, I of course was more than happy to make sure he stopped by.


And this time he didn't come alone. 'She' is a colleague of his, and is the first lesbian I've ever met in my whole life. Butch, short-hair, tom-boy with attitude was what I was expecting. Stereotypes, of course. Instead she was extremely friendly and warm person with whom I soon hit it off.

We cycled, we laughed, joked, as we toured the cities and countryside and cruised the beach. There's plenty to see and do, and we made full use of the time together, rushing from place to place, clicking with our cameras at the strange and unique moments and sights. This was the first time I took people around who were gay, and I could so freely take them wander the streets and alleys of gay areas of A(mster)dam. Normally, I'd be so frightened to go into a gay bar by myself, but with them I felt more at ease. And we sat on the terrace during happy hour and watched people go by. And a visit to A'dam could not be complete without visiting the rich cultural educational heritage that the city's many sex shops had to offer. So we ventured into countless shops, next to window-girls in the famous Red Light District, and amazed ourselves with the bizarre and outrageous things that were for sale... Dildo's, whips, different types of fetishes, different ways of sex, from orgy to donkey, bi to pie, from piss to vomit... You name it, it was there. There were even cabins for rent, for those in need of instant... relief.

Exhausted, bedazzled and shivering from the cold and rain, we'd drag ourselves home. But the night never ended so early. We enjoyed a ritual of watching porn passionate adult entertainment on TV. Adult entertainment here is not for the faint-hearted. It's hardcore, fully exposed and 'anything-goes' and no taboos. We giggled ourselves silly lounging in the livingroom in the early hours of the morning, remote control at the ready, watching the people in action, while constantly adjusting the volume, afraid that the high-pitched groaning and moaning would wake up people sleeping upstairs and excite the cat. Satisfied, we'd retire to bed and sleep, while it clapped with thunder and echoed with rain.



Of course, amid all the madness and fun, there were precious little moments for heart-to-heart talks. About life, about work, about future... and about love. Being older, and wiser, they had much I could learn from, much I could cherish, much that could calm my restless mind. He and she has been/is in relationships. I could not but tell them how much I envied them, and how much I miss what they have. But they reassured me, told me what I often try to tell myself...

... love will come, love will come. No need to seek it, it will come for those willing and able to wait. It's a miraculous thing, and even more so how the universe works. No need to crave for things, just think of it, and forget that longing. Somehow, with positive thoughts and a positive mind, what you want will come to one, one way or another. Just do your best, live life to the fullest, and give. And you will be given.

I hugged and kissed the 'couple' goodbye at the airport terminal, and watched them slowly move on and away. We'll see one another someday, that's for sure. Until then, I can treasure the precious memories of our times together. Until then, I have the wise words they shared to take me forward.

Concert by the Sea

The sun set. It drizzled. I felt the raindrops on my cheeks, and the powerful voices of the four singers of Il Divo touch the depth of my heart. I shivered.

Oh, my love my darling
I've hungered for your touch a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love (Unchained Melody)

I sat on the sand, and ran my hands through the soft grains. The clouds stretched like a soft blanket over the dusk sky, golden and pink at the brims, fluffy and warm at the centre. Old songs, love songs, songs you could hum the melody to, because they're classics. Accompanied by a live orchestra of wind and strings, and a faint, faint rainbow arching over the stage. Uplifting. Beautiful.

I cant live
If living is without you
I cant live
I cant give anymore
I cant live
If living is without you
I cant give
I cant give anymore
(Hero)

Serene... heart-warming... The four good-looking members of the group sang so beautifully with such passion, such love in operatic harmony. No wonder within two years they managed to touch the hearts of millions of fans throughout the world, and managed to revive the soulfulness of opera among young people. Romantic, pure and innocent, even more so because the songs were crooned in Spanish, and this one in French.

J'irai chercher ton c'ur si tu l'emportes ailleurs
Même si dans tes danses d'autres dansent tes heures
J'irai chercher ton âme dans les froids dans les flammes
Je te jetterai des sorts pour que tu m'aimes encore
(Pour que tu m'aimes encore)

I looked around... there must have been hundreds of people. But inside, where the lyrics and music echoed, it felt like I was alone. And they sang this moving dedication, to all the mothers of the world. Sitting there, on the beach, with the long shadow of myself cast on the sand by the golden sunset, I thought of my own:

Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the times
I forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
(Mama)

Many couples sat around me. I tried not to look at them... not to notice the way their fingers played with one another, not to see the little butterfly kisses, not to take note of the way they kept one another warm in the cold, cold evening breeze with each other's arms around their bodies... Two guys walked by. I tried not to look. They walked into the sunset, stood close to one another. And kissed.

All by myself
Don`t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
(All by my self)

But no, no despair, no sadness. Because, because...

There’s a place for us, somewhere a place for us,
time together with time to share,
time to look time to share,
somehow somewhere,
we’ll find a new way of living,
we’ll find a way of forgiving somewhere
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
somehow, someday, somewhere
(Somewhere)

How are things?

The weather suddenly brightened today, and it seems like summer is finally returning, after the weeks of rain and coldness. I wish the same could be said about my mood at the moment.

Already the first day of July, and I've got one month exactly to finish off my masters thesis if I want to graduate at the end of summer. Or, put simply, one month to start!

Another week went by, and still I'm making so little progress. I read, and read, and read, and have so many pages of notes and ideas, but the problem is starting to write. To write, I need a structure, and I need a clear research question. What is it that I want to prove? Why am I writing this thesis? Why is this thesis important to the field of study? What issue am I addressing here?

I'm not sure.

All I know is I want to write about the concept of 'international community', but I'm not sure what exactly I want to write about. There are so many issues, like who or what is the international community... what are the values of the international community... when can we see the international community in action? Sure I can just ramble on about my own personal opinions of how this so-called 'international community' is nothing more than a few powerful states masquerading as the brain, heart and limbs of the world, but I need to write something that's 'l-e-g-a-l', something that's based on research and something that can be supported by the opinion of leading scholars and practitioners. And that's the hard part...

And that's just one part of what is on my mind at the moment... if I'm to graduate soon, I also need to think about my future and applying to jobs! At the moment I'm just putting all my eggs into one basket, and hoping that I'll get this dream position starting October. I got into the first round, and now there's a one-in-three chance of being selected. And July is the month I'll know if I have an opportunity or not... if I have a position, I'm supposed to hear from them before mid-July... if not, I'll not hear anything at all.

And it's killing me having to wait, wait, wait since May. If I get it, most likely for the foreseeable future I'm more or less on track. If not, I'll be as lost as ever, and have to start wondering what I want to do again, which is something I really have a difficult time deciding.

I'll be so glad when this month is over... and it's just started.

Happy birthday, dad...

I spoke briefly to my dad today. Totally unexpected. He picked up the phone when I called, which he never does. So I was a little surprised.

"Haven't spoken to you in a while..." I said.

"Yes..."

"So how have you been? Well?"

"Everything is well. Don't worry. Everything is well," dad said, as he always says. Everything is always well. Even if it isn't. "What are you doing now?"

"Just busy writing my thesis..." I said, holding back telling him how frustrated I feel at the moment at the little progress I'm making. "And I work too. I work part time, and I'm busy writing my thesis. It's quite busy, but things are well."

There was a few moments of silence, and dad turned to call my mum.

"What about you? How are you doing?" I asked. I wrestled with my own thoughts, wanting to say something, but not sure if he'll respond to it well.

"Everything is well, don't worry. You take care of your health," dad said, and then called my mum again.

"I'm just working on my thesis, and working, so there's really not much going on," I said, "What about with you?" Again, I wanted to say it, but didn't dare to, because it's too personal... and he doesn't like me to remind him.

"Nothing much..." Dad turned to call my mum again. And then he disappeared as my mum picked up the phone.

An awkward conversation.

He didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to say. It's been four months since we last talked, and I guess both of us were caught off guard to speak to each other after such a long time. So the easiest conversation is to say nothing, and I guess he could avoid talking by giving the phone over to mum.

It's my dad's birthday today. I always remember, because it's easy to remember. And this year is the big 60, which makes it even more special. For the past few weeks I've been wondering to myself whether I should write him a card, or send him a gift, or speak to him and wish him happy birthday... but I did none of that. Partly because he doesn't like me to wish him happy birthday, he doesn't like me to write to him...

And now I regret it. One day in a lifetime this day comes, but I can't work up the courage to wish him happy birthday... However he reacts to my goodwill is his business, so why should I be so afraid to say it? It's such a simple sentence, such a joyous event, but instead it's complicated and has been troubling me for weeks...

So I guess this is the reason I'm writing this, and the reason why "Papa, can you hear me?" is the 'Song of the moment'...

Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?

Have a happy birthday, dad... May you be truly well, happy, healthy and live life to the fullest...

Papa, how I love you.
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me goodnight.

May you be peaceful and have inner calm, may you be compassionate and loving, and may you be free from all kinds of suffering.