Insult...

I don't know what possessed me. It was such a wonderful day working with a colleague and my boyfriend, and we decided to round it off with a nice meal at an Indian restaurant. The food was delicious, conversation and laughters flowed.

And at the end of the meal, I dropped a comment making fun of both their belly sizes. My boyfriend's face immediately turned, and we did not speak for a long while. Luckily it was already the end of the meal, so the awkward silence at the restaurant did not last too long We said goodnight and parted quietly. I ran to make sure I made it to his apartment before he did, and I waited for his return. In the snow, I wrote "SORRY".

Again, I don't know what possessed me to blurt out a comment that hurt his self-esteem. Did I say it with malice, with the intention to hurt? Or did I just blurt out something without thinking of the consequences?  I fidgeted with my fingers, and felt so terribly ashamed how I injured him so badly emotionally. It felt oppressive, and the mood reminded me of the tumultuous days back in November-December last year when the future of our relationship felt under jeopardy. He had every right to be upset, to be angry, to be deeply disappointed in me. I could not but apologise and say how sorry I felt for hurting him so... Karma comes back to haunt you, and my stomach felt so very upset as if the food could throw up at any moment...

He could have scolded me, called me names, hurt me back. But he did not. Instead, he was numb, perhaps numbed by how much the hurt and insult was, especially coming from someone you would think could only give you joy and love, and do you no harm. Perhaps he felt betrayed, angry, frustrated why he was with somebody who would make fun of his body image...

Clandestinely I grabbed a pen and wrote on my hand "I'm sorry I hurt you"... "Hurt", in the present sense of the word, but also in the past tense too, because this is not the first time. In the two year or so of us knowing one another, and being together, I have on occasion blurted out remarks about his appearance. Am I just downright mean and someone who likes to preach compassion and love, yet can so easily throw insults around, and right in someone's face?

He could have thrown me out, said he did not want to see me, or said things to make me feel like scum, but he did not. Instead, we watched an episode of our current most-watched series, and as the episode went on, we inched closer and closer together. I stayed the night, and fell asleep with his scent tickling my nose, and the warmth of his body against mine...

Not all is forgotten, and I slept poorly the whole night. Quietly I left, and on leaving I left a little note for my boyfriend. No matter how many times I say or write the words "sorry", it does not justify what I made him feel. And that enough is punishment for my being mean and malicious... or simply being so  utterly dumb and inconsiderate for speaking without thinking .