Child weeping

For the first time since I arrived in Taiwan, I wept.

 Warm, warm tears flowed and flowed and I could not stop them. Uncontrollably, the sadness, frustrations, hopes and prayers culminated in streams of tears that flooded my eyes and trickled down my cheeks.

It was embarrassing, and i tried so hard to restrain myself. How saddened, how heart-ached dad must feel to see me weep like that! But there being no one I can cry in front of now, and having nobody I can really turn to, I wept before my ancestors, against my attempts  to put on a brave, brave face.

What caused this outburst of emotions? Pent up pain and hurt having to witness mum in pain and suffering. The helplessness, the feelings of being so torn and so unsure what more I could do. But there was also a feeling of completion to be the first to personally deliver pictures of my nephew, the first child of my generation, to the memorial plaque of my ancestors and my dad for them to see.

I was alright the whole day, even meeting my uncle who is undergoing chemotherapy, and seeing my aunt who has liver disease and who has a lot of problems walking due to an ever weakening knee. But the moment I knelt before my ancestors, the moment I "spoke" to them and told them my wishes and prayers, I broke down.

I began by presenting them with pictures of my nephew. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I   asked the ancestors to watch over the child, to protect him as he grows and develops, to guide him in his life and give him happiness and good health. It was a moving prayer, for I can imagine they must be so proud that for the first time in two decades, an immediate offspring of the family was born and that the family line will continue. I can just imagine ny grandparents, my dad, smiling an filled with such joy! I also asked the ancestors to safeguard the happiness and good health of my brother and his wife, and to give them the wisdom and patience in bringing up and educating the first child of this generation.

Already then, my eyes were moist from the sentiments of it all. As soon I moved onto prayers for my mum, the tears burst out.

Images of her in pain, echoes of her groans from great discomfort, the heartwrenching feeling seeing  her suffer and suffer crossed my mind as I asked the ancestors and dad to watch over her. They would not let a member of the family suffer unnecessarily, right?

"Please protect mum," I prayed, "Please take away her pains, please may she be free from mental anguish and physical pain..." The tears streamed like a river, and I could barely see.  In my mind, more images of mum lying there, writhing in pain, her face contorted in a posture that betrayed her great, great despair and fear of having fallen victim to this terrible and debilitating illness with no cure. "Please, may she be free from suffering and be happy..."

Desperate I must have looked, desperate I must have "sounded" in my prayers. But i was (and forever am) sincere and pure when I asked for the guardianship and blessings of the  ancestors and my dad. What else can I do? Who else can I turn to for help,  compassion and understanding but the very people- even though they are long gone- who are the reason why I exist today?

"Grandma, grandpa, dad... Please lift up mum's spirits, please give her courage and protection as she undergoes many more gruelling weeks of treatment..." In my mind, I saw mum sitting alone there, in the chemotherapy ward, with closed eyes and many tubes connected to her arm...

I stopped crying, for I had cried enough, and my ancestors had seen enough of me cry. I collected myself, wiped the tears dry with the short sleeve of my Tshirt, and rubbed my eyes. The sun was quickly setting, and the world was awash with a hint of majestic and melancholic orange. No one, no one but my ancestors, would know how I wept this afternoon.

Bowing humbly and respectfully, I slowly stood up and placed the incense before the memorial. For a few moments, I watched the lit end of the stick burn as a thin thread of white smoke escaped and delivered my messages to heavens above.

"Dad, hear my prayers... Hear my wishes..." I stood up and prepared to leave. A waft of incense filled my nostrils and I breathed in deep.

"Let go, let go... Whatever will be, will be..."