Sharing

After over a week at home, I took some time out today to meet a friend. She used to be in my class back in Montreal, and perhaps it's the fact we are both Taiwanese, we have always had this ease and natural connection with one another.

We spoke about various things, compared notes and pages of our lives since we last met (which was only four months ago...). Of course, we spoke about my mum's condition, and of all the people I know, she could really understand what I am going through (not to say that I do not appreciate all the support and comfort my friends, especially one person, have given me, and continually give me).

My friend also lost her father when she was around my age, and similarly, within a short time after the father's passing, her mother was diagnosed with cancer. In the final two years, she and her sister took turns to take care of their mother.

As I spoke of my frustrations and, at times, anger being with mum, to my great surprise, she nodded and nodded. "It is very normal," she said, especially when your parent begins to talk about and repeatedly talks about "arrangements" after passing away... where this or that is, what is left behind. Worse of all is listening to talk of wanting to die, listening to talk of your parent feeling so helpless, useless and being a "waste of life".

As much as it is not good to react that way, especially toward someone who is already in a fragile state of mind and health, my friend too said she got angry and frustrated. What really helped her was taking turns with her sister to take care of her mother. That "break" in between was what saved her from going insane, because when you are constantly surrounded by that kind of negative talk, when you are constantly seeing a loved one suffer pain and are not able to do anything about it, a person's patience and compassion is tested and eroded day by day, moment by moment. It is simply too much for anyone to take, and simply unhealthy for the way taking care, and for the one who is taken care of.

 I was relieved when I heard my friend echo that she had similar feelings. Of course, it does not excuse myself for getting angry or frustrated, because those emotions can be placed in check if I just try not to give in to them. But at least I know now that it is only "human" to react in certain ways and under certain conditions, because the mind (or at least the unenlightened mind) simply does not know else to respond other than with anger and frustration...

"Hang on there," she said, and told me that I have already done a lot, more than what most people would do. Keeping her company, visiting her, taking care of daily things, like cooking and cleaning... they may all see so trivial, so insignificant compared to the scale of the seriousness of the condition mum is facing, but they help. They help soothe her pain, just as much as I sometimes hold her hand and hope that the sores and pain in her hand will quickly go away. They help to make her feel loved and cared for, just as much as I call her almost every day when I am not around to ask how she is feeling and what she is doing.

I hugged my friend goodbye, very moved, moved almost to tears, by her sharing what I can only imagine is a very intimate and very sensitive topic to talk about. I thanked her, and thanked her again for sharing, for being there, for listening, and for making me feel lighter, and better about myself, and what I am facing...