Suicidal note

It is already very difficult and painful when a loved one is dying... But what does it feel like when a loved one wants to die...? 

"I'm just waiting to die," mum said. Not the first time. She has said similar things in the past, but within less than a week of being here, she has said something alone those lines a couple of times. 
"I hate myself for being ill...".  
"I feel so extreme and feel life is so meaningless...". 
"I'm just waiting to die..."

It hurts. It really really hurts to hear that. And I 'retaliate'... I know it's not the proper reaction, but hearing mum talk like that makes me so very angry I hit back. "what if I said that?! Do you know what it feels like to hear your own mother say something like that??" I know it doesn't do anything to diffuse the situation, and I should be more compassionate and understanding, but more and more I feel I'm losing patience and getting frustrated again...

Do I  make mum feel depressed and suicidal, I wonder. Is it because I push her too hard when I tell her I'd like to see her do things, go learn something or so something constructive? I really mean well, and hope only that she can step out of the house more and meet new people, instead of wallowing in her own pain and misery at home. 

But instead, being told that she should go out more has had the opposite effect. It has made her realise how lethargic and depressed she has become, which fills her with regret and guilt, especially as she realises how difficult it is to get out of the vicious cycle of sleep, eating, watching tv and surfing the internet... 

She knows she should do more with her life and live it to the max, but she feels she cannot because of her sores and pains. and because she feels she cannot, mum feels double the guilt of being so down and lethargic all the time. 

I keep on telling her, I'd like her to be happy and live a fulfilling and happy life. " what does that mean?" she asked me. And it struck me.

 Maybe she is happy the way she is, maybe she is happy just staying home and surfing the net and looking at pictures of her grandson and looking at what other people are doing on Facebook. Am I being too harsh on her, wanting her to do things that I feel would make her happy, even though I don't know what she is really going through and what pain she has to endure everyday? Maybe she is happy being left alone to do her own things instead of having someone else (ie me...) watch over and scrutinise  her every move.

I feel my mind is going dizzy with the frustration and fear of hurting mum instead of helping her. My stomach is getting upset again, and I cannot do much for mum.

Really, all I can do and all I can give her is the assurance that I'll be happy and trouble free, In the hope she'll do and be the same.