Why do I want to distance myself from him? Why am I no longer telling him what is happening in my life and how I'm feeling? Because I feel terribly ashamed and troubled that I've been burdening him with my life and problems almost ever since we met. And somehow, ever since we broke up, I have slowly come to realise (or believe) that we I cannot keep on depending on him for emotional support and comfort.
He began crying, almost unstoppably for a while. Was he hurt by my lack of news, by my silence? Was he hurt by my brief and curt responses when he asks me how I'm doing? I never mean to hurt him or to punish him, but I just felt I could no longer talk frankly to him about my life anymore without delaying or impeding his, and his pursuit of happiness and love.
He cried because he was so worried about me, and imagining the worst when for a day or so I didn't reply to his messages, and for a number of days didn't talk to him on the phone. He said he felt so helpless unable to do anything for me, to be fully there for me as I'm going through perhaps the most challenging period of my life so far... He would fly here to see me, to just comfort me, if I would only say the word. I was touched, and I softened somewhat.
For a while now, I wanted there to be distance between us, to keep him at bay. In a way, i want to cut myself out of his life so he can finally move on and not have to carry all this mess I seem to bring him with him as he goes on with his life and pursues his dreams of happiness and love with one person. I have for too long been the reason he felt so torn, I have broken up two of his relationships and made him feel so rejected and uncertain about himself.
And I want to free myself from his care and support so I don't feel so torn when I'm here with my mum. Because since a year or so, since we became romantically involved, and I feel even before that, he has been the one major reason I feel so comfortable and safe in Canada. He has been that solid rock and confidante I can pour out my deepest and darkest feelings to. But I feel I've lost that since we broke up...
Yet, he still cannot stop caring, cannot stop thinking about me and having such compassion for what I'm going through. In whatever capacity, he said he feels responsible and that he will always care and be there if I want him to be.
On and off he cried and sobbed. We are no where closer to where we were a month or so ago. We are no more closer together, and no more distant from one another despite my efforts to change that. Where are we now? Who are we to each other? Why do I want to know...?
It is comforting to be so cared for, to be so loved in a way that transcends friendship, that softens me to the core because it is something I have never ever encountered or been given from anyone.
But it is also confusing, distracting and even fills me with guilt to always turn to one person, to the object of my deep, deep affection, to pour out my feelings, when we are "just friends".
My mum's ailing condition has so dominated my mind, and yet on the side is this personal matter with my friend I must learn to handle and balance.
How I wish time and distance could give me some perspective and free me from these two things that are testing me and tearing me apart from the inside.
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