Poor sleep

Sleep was so disturbed. I lay there, the wind was howling outside the window. And images of my friend kept entering my mind... And he was not alone. He was intimate with someone, and it was not with me...

I kept walking around the house in the dream, fully knowing they are there together, wanting to interrupt them. But I held myself back, however difficult and painful it is, I held back. There was a deep deep void on the inside of me, and I broke down...

I stirred from my sleep and the nightmare. Let go, let go, I told myself. What I do not know never happened, what I cannot see does not exist. The mind is merely making up fantasies, frightening fantasies based on my fears, the mind is playing with me... And even if the dream were real, so what? What can I do? Why should I do anything?

Over the last few days, I have kept communication between my friend and I to a bare minimum. And it will stay that way. No more long talks on the phone, no more video chatting. Just a few exchanges of messages here and there. Friendly, cute messages, nothing deep or personal.

 He does not know what is happening here with me, and I do not know what is happening with him. He does not know about the pending hospital visits, about my feelings of longing, and my feelings of  becoming bored and frustrated with my self-imposed exile here. And I don't know what he is feeling, how he is doing, despite a few pictures of him I've seen, smiling, or forcing a smile.

However much I'd like to speak to him, I cannot. Last time I was here he said I called a lot. And that was just after our breakup, and I had a feeling all the calling and keeping in touch for a long time afterward was an impediment to his pursuit of happiness and to him finding out where his heart lies. So I'll stop all that. Our friendship has ground to a bare minimum of contact, and I'm scared all that magic between us might just fizzle out and die... What a shame that would be... And what is if all for? Something worth it I hope, something, some uncertain day when there will be more clarity and a healthier (or no) interaction between us.
I tell myself it is all for the best, perhaps, if it will help us free ourselves from this entangled web of mess we have caught ourselves in for almost a year now. I want to be free, an I am sure he wants to be too. And if the solution is free me from this picture, then I am already away and out of the picture.

With those images still lingering on my mind, I heard the rattling of pills in a bottle.

Mum had woken up, been woken up by her sores.

This is far more important... Far more important than any fantasy or fear or anything I cannot change, cannot control...