"It repulses me..."

Another visit to the hospital, another quiet and slow walk home. For the last two days, going to the hospital seems to have become a routine.

Today was an appointment with the neurosurgeon, from whom we wanted a second opinion about the recent spread of the tumour around the spine. He didn't say much, only that more detailed scans are necessary before he can make a full(er) diagnosis, and before he can recommend treatment. I did manage to see an image of the spinal column from the latest MRI scan. As the doctor zoomed in, unmistakably there was a massive grey lump around the spine. It looked so innocent on the flatscreen of the computer, yet, it is so deadly, so vile, so malignant...

There is nothing that can be done till two weeks from now, when the results from further tests are revealed. Mum left the hospital, and once again she looked down. I tried to cheer her, the weather was beautiful, which is a novelty given the dreadfully cold spells Taipei has experienced since I arrived.

"Going to the hospital, it repulses me..." she said finally as we walked along the banks of the little creek on the way home. "Better to let me die..." It sounded much worse in Taiwanese, a line to the effect of leaving something and not tending to it so that it would just rot away and die. But this is my mum we're talking about. This is my mum talking...

"Don't say that, please..." I was frustrated, and affected. The air was heavy with burden, depressed and fragile with fear and sadness. Momentarily I was lost for words, unsure what I could say to get the stale air and conversation moving again. Perhaps it was best not to say anything at all...

She threw up shortly after we got home. Little came out, except thick slime and saliva, and now she is  lying in bed resting. She did not manage to sleep at all last night, something that is common for her on the first night of the chemo treatment. Earlier while on the phone she sighed and lamented how bitter life is.

Perhaps it is the medicine talking. Perhaps it is the nausea and the headaches, the discomfort and the unsettledness of having to carry around a bottle with her that is making her depressed and have all these extreme thoughts.

But these feelings will pass.

 Won't they?

If
I can also let go of the whole world,

At least [I] still have you

Worth me  treasuring and cherishing,

And you being here

Is precisely life’s miracle.

Maybe

I can also forget the whole world,

Only [I] do not wish

To lose news of you.