Slow start

It's only the second day of  the new year, but I feel so sluggish and tired for no particular reason. Been home just over a week, and other than spend time with mum, I've not really done anything worth mentioning.

I actually feel kind of useless. Mum's condition is more or less stable, or at least for now, at least from the outside. It's not sure how she will respond to the next dose of treatment in two days time, but so far, I'm not really sure what I can do here, or whether being here really makes much of a difference. She has her group of friends she talks to, she has her daily routine of exercises and trips to the market. Whereas I feel like a visitor, even though I'm at home... Sometimes, I really do wonder what I'm doing here, and feel like I want to get back to my own life as soon as possible, because I'm bored here.

Maybe it sounds like I don't appreciate time spent with mum, or that I'm being/becoming selfish wanting to do my own things and live my own life. But it's not that, I don't think. I know every moment together with her is precious, and I'm sure when the time comes when she is again weakened by the chemo or depressed by her illness, I can offer invaluable support and company. But more and more, I feel like I want to get back to my routine, get back to my own life and my work. I just want to feel useful, feel like I'm doing something substantial and constructive, instead of just sitting around, cooking, washing up, sweeping the floor, and making the bed.

It doesn't help that the apartment is so small that I feel increasingly claustrophobic in such a confined space with mum all the time, day in and day out. I don't even have a room where I can retreat into to do my own things without being distracted by mum watching TV, doing her things, or just hovering around watching what I'm doing.

I think I'll decide on a date soon when I'm going to head home. My own home, back to my own life. The question is when...