End of third session

Is it harder to suffer than to watch someone you love and care about suffer? I do not know. But I do know it is extremely straining on the mind, on the emotions, and on the soul to see a loved one sick, depressed and talk as if anytime could be the end.

Went in to the hospital this morning to remove mum's invitro chemo tube. She had been feeling nauseous when she got up. In fact, I was waken by the noise of gagging over the toilet bowl. As we walked home slowly, her mind appeared scattered, and she spat out foamy fluids. "It's not phlegm" she said. It's the medicine, toxic and disgusting, mixing with fluids of her own body. Again she talked of death, of dying. Worse, she said again that she was waiting to die. All those toxins, all that medicine, all those pills and injections.What's the point?

I cannot explain how much it hurts to hear that... can anyone? Yes, it is the medicine and nausea making her think and talk this way. We are all dying. It is more certain than anything else as soon as we are born, we are dying, and waiting to die. But to hear that from your own mother... it sounds worse than anything else, worse than the worst possible swear word. I breathed deeply, and sniffed. Once again, I feel her illness, her occasional depression, test my patience, test my ability to provide the best possible love and care for her.

I feel myself tighten and tense, long to get away, long to escape and not have to deal with all these things. Again, I am so torn because I feel responsible. Despite being so weighed down by her illness and her destructive thoughts and words, I feel I need to be here for her, to support her however I can... but how much more of my own wellbeing can I give up in the meantime?