Chemo again

Within two hours of the latest diagnosis, mum went to the oncology ward to begin her latest treatment. She was strong, and laughing, joking with the nurses as they attended to her. As one nurse injected a needle into her artificial artery, suddenly she screamed out: “Ow, it hurts!”

I saw her contorted face, and deep down felt her pain, even though I know I could never feel someone else’s pain… The nurses comforted her, chit-chatted with her as they prepared for her medicine. Out came bottles of toxic drugs, pills and tubes. They continued to talk, asking her how she has been, what she’s been up to. It’s like they know mum so well, as if they are good friends who have not seen one another for a long time. It was beautiful… the nurses, they were so beautiful, and I was moved by their compassion, by their care and attentiveness.

Mum told me to go away and come back in a few hours, so I don’t have to spend the time in the stale air of the hospital. I grabbed her hand as I parted, and turning away, I could feel the tears swell up again.

I walked as quickly as I could outside, to the little park next to the hospital. There, I had spent many hours before waiting, hoping, meditating. Memories of three years ago flooded back… this same pond with little swimming fish, these same rocks and trees offered me consolation as dad slowly slipped out of my life… And now they again offer me consolation, as mum enters a critical and uncertain stage of her treatment.

I could not contain my tears, so they flowed out with little sobs as I sat on a bench in a secluded area of the park, away from gazing eyes. Nobody noticed at that very moment, at that very place I was crying. And mum would never know that I have been crying because of her.

I cannot help it… sometimes life gets too much, I just have to let it all out. Am I weak to cry? How trivial are these things I am facing compared to the pain and suffering of others who have no hope, who have no cure? Am I a coward to fear, to dread, to be so consumed with dark thoughts and negativities? Am I a dreamer to imagine one day, perhaps a month, perhaps a year from now, I can look back and smile because it is all in the past?

I cannot contain my tears… tears that are now falling because of sadness, because of circumstances beyond my control, because life is happening so fast and so unpredictably that I am unsure what to make of it all.

All I wish to give mum is my love, my support, my care as she undergoes yet another painstaking and agonising dose of treatment… Can I give her even those things?