Bed warmer

There once was a boy called Huang-Shiang (黃香) whose  kindness and love towards his parents has touched people for generations. During the Summer, when the mosquitoes are around, he would go to bed early. When asked why, he said he wanted the mosquitoes to bite him first, so his parents could sleep better at night. In the Winter, when it is cold, he would go to bed early too. When asked why, he said his body temperature would warm the bed so that when his parents went to bed, they would feel warm. His actions are often cited as the epitome of filial piety (孝), a great virtue in East Asian / Taiwanese society.

I don't claim to be as great and praiseworthy as Huang-Shiang, but when mum retired to the bedroom to sleep, she found her quilt had been warmed by an electric blanket that she had recently purchased. It was such a simple gesture, turning the electric blanket on and putting it under her quilt so she doesn't have to climb into a cold bed. But mum was touched.  "You remind me of Huang-Shiang," she said, "And how I wish my child could be with me..."

She explained afterwards that it was just something she thought, something provoked by my gesture, and she meant nothing with those words. Yet, I felt again the pressure and her desire to have me around to keep her company. It is only natural, and I can understand why she has that desire, especially given the fact that mum and I have been separated and have been living apart since I was 13 or so. And it is also natural, because mum is ill, and at times feels like her world is going to end soon, and perhaps she is afraid that it will all end with her all alone by herself...

Moments like these make me doubt myself again, despite the fact that a few days ago, everything seemed so clear what I should do to lead my own life and try to begin something with my life. Mum may have really not meant anything much when she expressed those sentiments, but deep down inside, I know there is a desire to have me around, to want someone to be with her to keep her company.

And frankly, I don't think I can fulfill that desire, however much I would like to be there for her as much as I can. Increasingly, I feel I cannot forever stay around here and live in the same confined space with my mum for an extended period of time. A month or two may be alright, especially while she's undergoing treatment... but in the long run, not having my own space, not having any privacy at all, will make my life miserable, and I'm beginning to feel it already.

Once again, is it selfish to feel this way? Is it wrong to want to have my own space and do my own things away from mum?What child does not grow up and eventually leave home to begin his own life elsewhere and separate from his family? I have had and enjoyed my freedom for so many years, and to suddenly have to live together with family takes patience and adjusting.