Short retreat

(Sitting in a loud internet cafe, with lots of gamers players their games and listening to loud pop music... so my thoughts might not be so conherent...)

Outside the window, there rows and rows of banana trees, rice paddies and flower fields. Rural Taiwan has a charm that is warming to the heart, and that makes me feel calm and at home.

The last two days I left Taipei and headed down to the monastery in Puli for a short retreat. Partly, I wanted to get away a bit, have some time to think things through. Partly, I wanted to give mum some time and space, as she wanted to deal with some issues that she could better deal if I were not around. When I call her to check up on her, she jokes that she feels so much freer without me around and scrutinising everything that she does!

However troubled I feel or I am, I always seem able to find myself at the monastery. The surrounding mountains, the view, the quiet setting brings me to this moment, away from worries and myriad of proliferating thoughts and anxieties in my mind. And the Hawaiian monk who lives there, has for years been my spiritual guide, my confidante and like a father-figure.

It was only two days, but I spent some of the time meditating. Even though I try to meditate at home, there are always many distractions and disturbances, wheras at the monastery, perhaps the serenity of the place and ths gaze of many Buddha statues prompt me to practice more diligently than if I were any where else. Other than meditating, I spent time doing some light translation work, sweeping the floors and cleaning
Outside, there is a golden statue of the Buddha, and for a number of years, I've been responsible for washing and cleaning the Buddha. They say whoever cleans a Buddha statue will receive great merit... to me, it is something I thoroughly enjoy doing, like a ritual cleansing. As I scrub away the moss, bird faeces and stains of nature from the Buddha's body, I feel like I'm cleansing some of entanglements and attachments of my mind...

At night, I would spend hours talking to the monk, about Buddhist practice, about Dharma, about life. I poured out my feelings, feelings that have been accumulating throuhgout the last few months, if not years. Torn, I said I feel, between my duties as a child, and my duties to myself. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself, and am always trying to please others, trying to make others happy. But all the while, I often forget about myself.

"Whatever will happen will happen..." I can stay around, thinking I could make a difference to mum's life by keeping her company... but I am growing older, and have to decide for myself what I want to do with my life. I could live for someone else, live to please and live to make someone happy... but ultimately I am only able to make myself happy, if I choose to.

"Is it selfish to want to be happy?" No, it's not. All any one ever wants is to be happy. It is very human. Happiness is all we ever seek in life, and the Buddhist practice is all about life lived in peace and happiness, away from worry and suffering.

"But being happy, does it mean you don't care about other people's happiness?" Being happy doesn't mean that you don't care about other . You can be happy, and you can wish other people to be happy. But you cannot make someone happy. "You're already doing the best you can," the monk reminded me, "You've done so much to care for your mother, and I'm sure she knows it..." Hearing that, I felt a tear burst...

I do try... I do try to juggle between my own life elsewhere, and being there for her whenever I can. I often question myself whether my phone calls, my little postcards and gift packages, my surprise visits are ever enough. I do ask myself often whether I am loving and caring enough, and whether she feels it... but really, if I look back, if I think back at all the things I've done or tried to do to make her feel cared for, I have only ever done what I could in the circumstances, nothing more, but also nothing less. And that is apparently enough. And I think I can be proud that even though I'm already grown-up and live so far away from her, she is still so close to me and  so close to my heart.

Sometimes in life, we have to be a little 'selfish'. Selfish not in the sense that everything is about me, about what I want, about getting what I want, and having no regard for the feelings or wellbeing of others. 'Selfish' as in you have to think about your own life, your own future and make plans accordingly.

It is not wrong to want to do something with your life... it is not wrong to want to find love and settle down one day... and it is not wrong to be away from your parent, especially when you've already reached a certain age. Doing all those things, whether at the same time, or one by one, does not mean that I have to forsake my mum. And I think I know myself that I am not someone who can just turn away and forget about my mum, for she will always be on my mind, for she is my mum, and I love and care about her.

I guess for a long time, I thought to myself and imagined that I needed to give up everything I have going well just to be with her until the day she passes away... But she wouldn't want that. And I definitely would not be happy in the long run.

 "You need to take care of yourself well before you can take care of others..."

Time to take care of myself...