Wedding plans

I met up with mum in Tainan today, in the ancient capital of the island. On the shores of this city brimming with age-old temples, monasteries and relics, the Dutch once settled and built a fort where they began trading with aboriginals in the precious hide of the Formosan Sika Deer. This is a city of history, but also has recently been named by the Wall Street Journal as capital of culinary delights.

The main reason to come here is to get a tailor-made suit for me to wear to the upcoming wedding. My sister-in-law has many close friends in the fashion industry here, and she recommended I make a special trip to get myself measured and suited up. Even if it means travelling to the south of the country, the good deal and expertise, I was told, is worth the trip.

We got to the tailor store, and a lovely older man took out a measuring tape and started to note down my dimensions. "You have a really nice build, perfect for making a suit", he said, as he took out all sorts of fancy fabric and donned them on me. I looked at myself in the mirror, admired myself a little, and smiled when I noticed how good I actually looked (something I rarely do). With mum's help and advice from the tailor, I picked a blue-black fabric with stripes, a beautiful pinkish striped tie, and two colours for two tailor made long-sleeve shirts, light grey and light purple. As I left the tailor's, I was excited at what I will receive in the mail in two week's time when finished product wiil be mailed to my home.

Later, mum and I went to the department store to pick out new bedding for the newly weds, to be used on their 'first' night together at our home. Money aside, mum appeared so happy as we went about shopping for the new couple, and she had maticulously been planning how to set up the 'wedding room' for that special day. "We have to make it very special..." she said.

I looked at her, and deep down felt warm and comforted to see her smile and so happy. It is all so beautiful, so magical, so memorable. The coming together of two people, the joy and celebration, the hopes and well-wishes of so many people in the background. What could be more joyous than this?

While I feel warm and happy to be part of it all, to be involved in the wedding plans for my own brother, I cannot hide feelings of being envious. I'm not going to say it out loud, for I don't want to ruin the atmosphere and make it about 'me' and about my feelings... but I do wonder more and more as that big day approaches, when and whether I can one day also experience the same, not for someone else's big day and life-long commitment, but for my own. I would love to plan, to think of all the little details, fine touches, touching little words and speeches, express all the gratitude and love to all the people in my life...  But it's not the time. Not yet. Not ever?

Perhaps wallowing in self-sorrow, I imagine myself at the wedding, smiling, celebrating and toasting the new couple... but deep down, feeling kind of lonely that there will be no-one by my side.

 But that's just the way it is, I guess...