Exhausted

"You look so frail," my cousin said, "So different from last time I saw you." Which was just over six months ago. I'm not sure if it was the jetlag, which seem to be especially acute in the afternoon (which is way past midnight Montreal time). But I do feel tired, frustrated and agitated for some reason, and have been feeling this way ever since I got back to Taiwan.

It's probably a combination of factors. Dealing with mum's illness face-to-face takes a heavy strain on me and my mind, even if I don't do much during the day. And the heavy conversations we've been having also is very strenuous. All the while, I'm kind of on the edge, wondering what's happening, if anything, between me and my friend, who I miss and think of often, but at the same time feel wrong to feel that way, especially given the uncertainties and unknowns. In short, my mind is in flux, driven and weighed down  by a mix of up and down emotions, tiredness, worry and stress, and it is all really tiring me.

And this tiredness, this agitation I am beginning to feel physically too. My skin itches and the red rashes are coming back (seems to happen every time I'm in Taiwan, possibly due to the sudden change of climate...). I feel my stomach is becoming more and more upset, and my appetite is also down too. Some meals I just don't feel like eating much, if anything, and I feel kind of moody too. Last time I weighed myself, I actually am now a kilogram or two lighter than my mum, which is worrying (but good for her, since she hasn't lost too much weight since her treatment!)

Time to slow down, take a deep breath, take a break, and recuperate...