So I was left alone with the morning to think and meditate. It's only the second full day here, yet it somehow feels so much longer. I do want to be here with mum, but at the same time, more and more, I feel I have an obligation to myself to continue my life in Canada, or at least finish off the studies I began two years ago.
Is it selfish to feel this way? Is it selfish to want to be happy, to want to be in a place where I have dear friends, a loving cat, and a comfortable home surrounded by my personal things? Or should I think of mum and stay with her for as long as it takes, till she recovers (if she ever)? There is no real answer...
Mum and I talked about this, and we talked about this even just yesterday. Of course, her first reaction was that I should get on with my life, start pursuing (or at least, beginning!) a career and settle down. All children have to leave home when they grow up. Don't worry about her, she would say, but somehow I always detect a hint of sadness in her voice.
I try... I really try to be with her as much as I can. Looking back, in the last two years, I've been back and forth between Taiwan and Canada at least five times. And a number of times I've been to see mum whenever she's in Europe. I treasure every encounter, value every moment I spend with her (sure, sometimes there are tensions and frustrations when you're with your mum too long...), and I don't regret putting my life and studies on hold to be with her. It's what I can do, and what I feel is right to do. As my friend recently put it, mum is "number one". But is it enough what I do? Is anything ever enough at all?
Yet, more and more, I feel I cannot keep this up. "I'm almost 27," as I told her the other day, "And I can't continue living like this..." She agreed with me, even though she can still vividly recall the days when I was just a little baby, how she used to wrap her arms around me little body, and how I used to sleep so soundly in her embrace. I have grown up now, and I have my own life to lead, my freedoms, and my own happiness to pursue...
But why is it that I cannot shake away the thought or possibility that she might have to bear suffering and pain all by herself? If I could remove or share just a tiny part of her pain and suffering, does that alone not outweigh me being in a setting, in a place surrounded by my own comforts and friends?
Perhaps I care too much, perhaps I think too much how other people may feel, especially if the person is my own dear mother. Losing my dad and not having been on the best of terms in that last year of his life probably made me realise I could and maybe I should do things differently with mum...
But deep down, I know I really can't just fly around the world all the time. I may be able to do it now, because I have no real obligations as a student, but one day I'll have to get a job, and I cannot afford to just fly off at a moment's whim and spend weeks or months on end away. But why do I feel selfish to think this way? Why is it that I cannot bear to think of mum alone here, or imagine if she suddenly falls terribly ill, or worse...?
There is an ancient saying here which sort of sums up my predicament: "the tree wishes to be still, yet the wind does not stop [blowing], the child wishes to take care [of the parent] yet the parent does not wait". (樹欲靜而風不止，子欲養而親不待). Growing up, our parents are like trees that tirelessly shelter us from the ceaseless winds. They may want to rest, but they cannot. Having grown up, the child may wish to take care of the parents, but the parents are often no longer there. They may want to provide comfort, warmth and affection to the parents, but they have already departed...
I'm no where closer to finding an answer, and I'm no where closer to deciding what I want... And all the time I'm torn between wanting to be happy, wanting to make other people, and wondering whether I'm not being too selfish through it all...
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