En route to SEA

On a plane again, sitting next to the window, watching the clouds below hurtle by. The last five hours or so since departing from Montreal have been spent in various stages of sleep and semi-awakeness. Almost as soon as I boarded the flight, my lids threatened to shut, even though I was initially excited by seeing how the plane got deiced just prior to take off for the first time.

The tiredness is because of having gone days (actually, nights) of sleep lasting not more than 6 hours. Especially in the last two days (again, actually nights…), having to pack and to mentally prepare myself for the long trip ahead made my mind restless, and also sleepless.

Another reason why I’ve slept little is because for almost every single day in the past week or so, I’ve either spent the night at my friend’s place, or he has spent the night at my place. It seems like we have been inseparable, like we want to see one another, even though sometimes I’m not sure if I’m being too clingy and needy by being constantly around him. And of course when we sleep with one another, there is talking, there is cuddling and whatnot that usually lasts till the early hours, making us both sleep deprived. (Not that this is a complaint…)

Having woken up at 3.30am, I quickly got dressed and made one final check of the two items of luggage, both filled to the brim with gifts and goodies, that I’m hauling back with me. My cat crowded at my feet, at some point dashing to and fro excitedly, or perhaps frustratingly. Somehow I always feel like when I’m leaving to go on a long trip, she knows it, she feels it. In fact, last night, I caught her lying very still on her back inside one of the suitcases, as if posing as a soft toy next to all the souvenirs for the folks back home. I gave her a long, soft stroke, and she began purring. It’ll be a while when I can hear, when I can feel the vibrations of her excitement and love…

It was a brisk and brief goodbye, and surprisingly not as difficult as I had pictured it in my head. Perhaps it helped that my friend did not accompany me all the way to the airport (as I had suspected he might…). Perhaps we were just so overwhelmed by lack of sleep that all feelings, words were somehow numbed. Even so, we hugged one another in the cold, and I gave him a few butterfly kisses on his cheeks, on his neck.

The taxi door closed with a thud, I looked out the window moist with dew and ice, and saw him standing there in the warm, yellow glow of the streetlights. We waved at one another, waved again and again. When the taxi began moving, he began to run after me a little, until I sped away and he could no longer follow.

It seemed like a cliché scene out of a romantic movie of lovers saying goodbye… but then again, it all appeared to be funny and lighthearted than anything else. It helped that we knew we would see one another again in a few weeks time, for a day earlier he had finalised his travel plans to come see me at home.

As the taxi sped toward the airport, as I was beginning my long, long journey home, my thought was with my friend. Thoughts of silent appreciation, thoughts of deep gratitude… thoughts of his face, his touch, his smile, of his scent that seemed to linger in my nostrils. And there were thoughts of the many beautiful moments we shared in the past few weeks, of the massages, the slow dance, the long talks and of the ways we have somehow managed to rekindle our infactuation with one another...

 Even if it is unclear, or has never been spoken outright, what we mean or what we are to one another, knowing that I have someone in my life who cares about me so deeply, is a source of strength and comfort. A gift that I could not imagine asking for… A gift I never imagined I would receive and take and carry with me as I face the uncertain and almost certainly difficult days ahead.