Overwhelmed...

He gave me a gift, one of many he has already given me in the past few weeks. And he gave me a card, hand-written, telling me what special influence I have had on his life, and how he looks forward to “strengthening” the bond that we share together…

Afterwards, we listened to songs together, songs he had on previous occasions sent and dedicated to me. Hearing them again, the songs and words today seem to carry deeper, more heart-felt meanings—meanings I never before heard or deciphered, but which today were able to bring me to tears. We slow danced, and I closed my eyes, as I gently rested my head on his shoulders…

His scent, his warmth, the softness of his stroke on my back, the softness of his voice as he quietly sang along, the tenderness of his body in my armsss... It was all too much, all too overwhelming, all too confusing, for I was unsure how I was supposed to feel…

Partly, I was filled with such warmth deep inside, such fulfilling feelings I have long longed for, but suddenly was washing over me. Partly, I am touched by the fact that I mean so much to him, that he cares so much about me and my wellbeing, that he continues to shower me with affection and gifts...

But I am unsure, under the ambiguous circumstances of where we are at this moment, how I am supposed to receive his overtures. Unsure, yet at the same time, I feel my insides crack and the walls around my heart break down more and more. I feel my breath skip, my heart race, and my face flush... Sensations that have long been suppressed and that I have kept away from are now unexpectedly surfacing stronger, and more intense than ever before...

Having to get on a plane and leave in a day or so does not make it all easier. More and more, as time ticks down toward the moment of departure, I feel I will miss him and his presence next to me dearly...