Truth

We sat down at a snack joint, enjoying a healthy, light snack of green bean soup with barley.

"I feel so happy today," she said. On the phone earlier, she joked with my uncle that ever since I arrived, her illness has been half cured. She did look well, and has been smiling almost non-stop. At the market, hawkers and vendors she knew well would compliment her on walking next to such a dashing young man, making me blush.

I did not start the conversation, but she began and told me the truth. "It's spread," she said, "To the lungs". Two and a half centimetres, left lung. The lung is close to the origin of the cancer, the colon, so there was always a risk. And there was a period of time mum would cough for weeks on end. That may have been a sign already that something was wrong. It's under control, and the doctor said the spreading is containable with the latest chemo therapy. Containable, but for how long...? And what if it aggravates, and rapidly spreads...?

"I know. I saw it on the doctor's note." I looked away temporarily to shut away the sadness that was threatening to bubble up once again, and was reminded of that night I spent crying when I heard the news. Apparently, mum had told brother the news in an attempt to discourage him from smoking. And he in turn told me the news through an email. Brother had spent a few nights lying awake, with his phone by the pillow, just in case he gets a call at night. He said he had many nightmares with mum in them...

"I'll be alright," she said with a smile. What else would a mother say to a child? "I'm prepared for it." Earlier, she told me that she was planning to draft her will one of these days, but then I suddenly decided to come home early, so she has to make the time to do it.

As we walked home, I put my arm around her, and every now and then, I put my palm against her back, right where the left lung is. If only I had magical healing hands that could absorb the cancer through my palm...

I'm not sure what I'm feeling now, if anything. The jetlag is kicking in, and I just feel like lying down to sleep. And the joy of reunion is probably numbing any feelings of remorse or hurt. But now I know the truth and reality for a fact, and must learn to deal with it all.