"It's complicated..."

"It's complicated..." With those words, the doctor looked at us momentarily before he attended to the next patient. As I exited the hospital, another patient was reading a book entitled "Cancer need not be the end".

I was so scared, scared like I've not felt, or perhaps never felt before. I was so overwhelmed by the latest diagnosis, I felt such strong, strong emotions well up. I could have broken down and cried there and then, but mum was right beside me. I put an arm around her, patted her, swallowed my pain, my tears.

If I felt so terrible, imagine what it must have felt like, what it must feel like to hear the news. She looked forlorn... she frowned, and her eyes looked like they were about to water. It was hard to see her, so disappointed, see her disbelief, see her frustration.

There has been more spreading. Though there is apparently nothing in the lung, there may be something in the spinal chord, and further scans are necessary. Possible imminent surgery may be needed, or otherwise her nerves could be injured, and she could become forever disabled. The chemo treatment must continue as planned, but now there is the added complication of a pending surgery.

"There's no hope... This is it..." She felt apologetic that again there is bad news, and that she is burdening me, delaying my return to my own life. She was saddened by the thought that perhaps the plan to visit me in Canada in Spring will never happen now...

"Please don't say that..." I was almost crying, but I held it all in. Held all the pain in, swallowed it all, contained it all, however bitter, however foul the taste, because she does not need to see me cry after hearing such a damning diagnosis. "Please don't say that. If you have no hope, what about me?" Don't worry about me, I said, "Just take care of your self, do the treatment, and hope for the best..."

But was it all a lie I was telling her? We walked in silence home, and she held onto my arm. I am glad that I am here to support her, to put my arm around her when needed, to put my palm on her back so that she can feel loved and supported.

It is hard to digest the news, even harder to imagine the possible outcome of her latest diagnosis.
A million things are going through my head right now.... can I be strong for my mum? can I comfort her, accompany her, take care of her? My hope of returning to my old life seems for now dashed, and once again my future is filled with such uncertainty, such unpredictability it is sickening and nauseating... My hope and plans to have a good time with my friend when he visits next week is now thrown into disarray, and how I hate to disappoint him, especially as he is flying all the way here to be with me...


I;m so lost, so confused at this moment, so close to breaking once again......

 But I must be strong...