Something is wrong. Before, mum sounded energetic on the phone, but nowadays she sounds just tired and down. It's heavy to deal with in the morning, first thing as soon as I wake up in the morning to be talking to someone who sounds so tired and unwell. Why do I call at that time? Why do I put myself through heavy conversations that more or less set the "tone" of my day...? Because I feel responsible...
Sometimes, after speaking to her, I feel so exhausted, and I just close my eyes and go back to sleep... Because that seems to be the easiest way to blink out the heaviness, to let the aroused feelings of anguish and frustrations settle.
Today, she sounded even worse as her voice sounded very coarse. She said it was because she took some herbal medicine, which is quite concentrated, and within an hour or so of taking this medicine, she is not supposed to drink any water. But even so, hearing her voice like that wasn't reassuring, especially knowing from my uncle and aunt that mum has become visibly frailer compared to before.
I tried to cheer her up, and talk about the exciting ballet I went to see last night with friends. But mum just was tired and wanted to go to bed. My excitement was dampened, and my attempt to distract her from brooding thoughts of painkillers, pains and lethargy failed.
These days I search and search so hard to find something to cheer her up, but I cannot think of much. I myself am in need of cheering up... I myself need someone to make me laugh, make me smile...
A few more days and the gift package my friend and I made should arrive. Hopefully that will bring her renewed feelings of freshness and joy, hopefully the gifts will touch her and warm her during these cold, cold and dark Winter days...
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