Long talk

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I woke up, and it was already past ten in the morning. The longest and uninterrupted sleep I've had in weeks. The stress of dealing with my passport seems to have subsided, especially after the immigration officer at the Taiwanese "embassy" said there's nothing I have to really worry about regarding military service, since I left the country well before the military service age (15 is the cut off date). I have my visa, one for three months, and now it's just a matter of boarding a flight.

And which one and when is the big question. Mum did not go to ER the other day when she was feeling unwell. She did not want to go through the noise and trouble of the hospital. Instead, they just went to a clinic for iv drips, and she said (said...) she felt better.

Her condition remains unstable, and brother told me frankly that it may not be long till...

He was upset that he called dozens of times when I was asleep, at 2AM, 6AM, 8AM... I didn't hear anything. To my surprise I saw six missed called when I finally did wake up, and I trembled as I dialled.

It was just a "drill". Even so, I trembled as I listened to brother remind me the importance of keeping my phone constantly next to me, next to my pillow at night, on my person etc, just in case. "Be on standby mode!" he said, "There may come a time when mum wants to talk to you, and it may be the last time. If you miss that chance, I don't know..."

"I know, I understand", I said. It would be devastating. Devastating. Like a traumatic trauma I must deal with for the rest of my life if I never had the chance to really say goodbye, either in person or on the phone.

Brother and I spoke for almost an hour again. He told me about further arrangements he had made, and about how the insurance company paid out a large sum of money to more than cover the medical costs over the last year or so. So financially there's nothing much to worry about. And he said he decided to stay on, to extend his sabbatical, which means it'll Br unpaid leave from July onwards. I assured him I will take care of whatever needs he has. There was an affirmation that we would be there for another whatever comes. It is important for us, as siblings to make this bond before our last remaining passes on. And it is also important for mum to see, so close to the end of her life, that we are reconciling, and that we can work together and understand one another to deal with the most difficult and challenging things in life...

Three of mum's closest friends, together with a lawyer, came by today to redraft her will. Originally she intended to leave some for her youngest sister, but she's been a great disappoint over the past month or so. The sister promised me and my mum that she would come up to be with her and cook for her as soon as mum left the hospital, so mum can restore her health. Nobody has heard from my aunt since I left at the beginning of May. The will also has to be redrafted so that the siblings cannot squabble over her pension, which can only go to nationals of the country-- which we the children are not.

Brother said the hospice nurse will come visit next week now that the hospice agreement has finally gone through. We now know for sure that it was my aunt (mum's brother's wife) who cancelled the instruction for hospice care. And the other day when my brother asked her about it, her response was "Was that necessary?" The hospice nurse confirmed it. It is a very disappointing revelation.

The long talk ended. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I cried again. Cried myself to sleep. When I woke up less than half an hour later the sadness subsided.

Time to smile. Nobody has to know that I cried. Nobody except my stuffed animals and maybe my cat who lay lay feet and who probably wondered why I was sobbing close to her...