Came back to the hotel room. "I need to make a phone call." to the boyfriend. He told me to take a shower and wait for him to return.
How bizarre I felt, and I turned silent. I felt cheap, like a mistress on the side. That is who I am, right, as to my surprise my ex's boyfriend has no idea of where he is and who he is with. A most unfortunate set of circumstances, but who am I to judge? I told him so many times to talk to his boyfriend, to tell him the truth, but there's always something in the way, always a reason to delay telling the truth, always a reason to play with two people and toy with emotions.
What is so difficult, I wonder? He tells me he has never loved anyone like he does (or did?) me, so what is stopping him from ending a relationship that seems to be going nowhere? Comfort, "fun", not willing to break the other guy's heart? Or is the boyfriend just an escape, a distraction away from his new and apparently difficult working life in a big city where he knows no one?
Problems unsolved will only get worse and worse. My friends pity my ex's boyfriend, who seems to know nothing and seems to be in for a terrible heartbreak, who has no idea that my ex has been so lost and confused without me. Nobody pities my ex, because frankly he got himself into this situation, and he should have dealt with things long ago. He should have dealt with things and stopped pretending to have a relationship when he realised how he cannot seem to be without me in his life.
One last chance, one last opportunity for my ex to explain himself, for some clarification, because I owe him that much, and our special bond deserves that much. And then it's make or break.
Because I do not need this kind of mess in my life, I do not need old memories and uncertainties to drag me down and depress me. I need to liberate myself from feeling like an "aside", like just a thing to be toyed with.
I deserve much much more.
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