It was an exhausting process, in particular this exam. The subject matter, evidence, was difficult on its own, but more so due to my personal sensitivities (to put it mildly). For over a week I studied, but towards the end I was so drained and at times afraid to continue reading. It was intense.
My ex was very encouraging. He called every day to check on my process, and yesterday when I was on the brink of breaking down, as I was crying because of the way the subject matter affected me and threw into doubt whether I am suited to study law and pursue a career in it, he reminded me this all will pass. And it has. It's all over now. For now.
What made this entire process all the more difficult? I lost my purpose. I lack motivation and support. Why am I doing this? Why am I pushing myself to study something when I could, with my collection of degrees and language skills, do something I enjoy and that will not be as stressful? The question is what that something is. What? What? And for the lack of an answer I continue blindly onto this path towards a goal I do not even know if will bring me any benefit or real joy.
I have lost my motivation and my drive. Lost the reason to continue, the reason to breathe and live for another day. I don't know if anyone sees it, or cares to see it. In front of people you must show this strong and stoic image, you must hide and pretend, because people don't want to see weakness, people don't want to know you're still hurt and wounded. It's why I've more or less stopped socialising with so many and choose to withdraw, to escape, to get away. When you are away from people, you do not have deal with judging eyes or comments behind your back. Yet all the more I long for company and companionship, long for understanding and someone with whom I can be fully myself...
The loss of my mum, and other losses I faced over the past few years, have really emptied me, have cleared me and robbed me of all purpose, all meaning, all feeling and passion. And the exams, and this difficult, difficult path to qualifying for the bar and becoming the lawyer I really lack the confidence and ability in becoming, just accentuate and aggravate how lost and confused truly am inside.
Left is an emptiness, a void I cannot fill. Left is this longing, this craving for company, for love, for companionship, for attention, for care that is so vast that it drives me to the brink of insanity and extremes of loneliness... What do I have left but laments and this void that devours my energy and my waking moments?
Another exam done. "Normal" people would feel pride, joy, would go and celebrate and share with others the sense of accomplishment and achievement they feel. But I feel nothing. I am only glad that it is all over. For the time being.
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