October rain

It's getting colder and colder, and feeling more and more like the season it's supposed to be. Last week I saw crocuses blooming in the park, flowers that don't usually appear until late March. But it's been anything but usual this year, or at least in the past few weeks. After having temperatures of close to 30C for another week, and feeling like Summer is returning again, Autumn approached, blew yellow tints onto the trees, and brought with it thunder and rain, thunder and rain that is now drenching and rumbling the world outside.

I had a pretty late and rough night last night, and got home at 4am! Not really what I intended when I went to a friend's place for dinner, but we eventually ended up 'clubbing' afterwards. Well, I wasn't too kin on the idea, and would rather be chatting and sipping wine or watching James Bond, but they insisted it was Saturday, so party we must. We went to this club, with terrible and loud techno/house music. As soon as we entered I knew I wouldn't like it, and spent the next hour looking interested and being fascinated with the candle burning in front of me. Conversation just didn't happen when you had to scream to hear or be heard.

So at around 2am we decided to get out and go somewhere else, but the guy said he wanted to go home, because he couldn't stand it anymore. Me too, so we ended up waiting for the train at close to 3am together. We talked about this and that, but nothing too intimate. At one point we poked fun at a lecturer of ours and speculated the possibility of him having a 'bum buddy' at college. We imitated sounds of two people having sex, the kind of sounds you hear on corny, poor quality porn, and broke out laughing on the empty platform while everything else was silent around us. I stood before him, and there were moments I just wanted to be 'straight' to him and ask him about all these 'signals'. I just didn't dare to. I was afraid of what may happen to this 'bond' between us that had started since we first met at induction. I was afraid to loose him, though at the same time I find myself wondering when 'little things' seem to tell me that there's something there beyond friendship. Whether I'll ever be ready to ask him, or tell him how I feel, I'm not sure. The train came. He went his way, I went mine.

Like I wrote before, when you feel 'something' toward another person, everything you see and hear tend to be through a filter, and so it's not really reliable. I mean all these brushes and innuendoes and ambiguous word play could just simply be acccidents or bad choice of words. Besides, on more than one occassion some of the things he said made it pretty clear he's as straight as can be. I promised myself not to fall too deeply, especially when it's just a fantasy and in situations and for someone in the most unlikely of circumstances.

Though, to be honest when I came home tipsy and very late last night, I felt a little 'empty' inside. The alcohol had subsided, and frankly whenever I drink I never really 'let go' unlike some people who just loose themselves. Instead, I tend to be more pensive and melancholy for some reason. Creative and reflective too. Perhaps it was the cold morning breeze, and the cold, cold drizzle...but thinking back on the evening I felt like even though I have these friends, I'm still feeling lonely... like I want that bit more, that something more than friendship...

I went to bed, and slept till after noon. Didn't do much today, but one thing was memorable: the dream I had during sleep. I'm not sure if it was about 'Leo', or him, since they're so alike, and both have been in my mind often lately. Whoever it was about, it was satisfying, unlike waking up late and cold.