Long letter to brother

Maybe I'm over-emotional these days, but a moment ago, I was sitting at a desk in the library and tearing.

Tearing as I wrote to my brother a long email about his upcoming marriage-- something while talking to a dear friend had prompted me to do.

My brother and I have always had a difficult, and at times very abusive, relationship. Things have dramatically improved in the past few years, as we have grown older, and as we live apart from one another. And also as our dad, and a sort of second mother, have in recent years passed away. I wrote to him today, not to blame him, not to conjure angry and bad ghosts from the past, not to attack or criticise him in any way. I wrote because I wanted him to be true to himself and to his wife-to-be.

I don't know why, it was at moments difficult to write what I had and wanted to say. I didn't go into details about what happened between us, or how he made me feel so down and worthless growing up. But just alluding to the past, without mentioning any specific incidents (what good does that bring? what will it raise but remorse and pain?), made me tear and made my heart wrench. It was difficult to remember, but I think part of the tears came from the fact that I forgive him, and that I wish only the best for him and his wife-to-be. It takes a lot to forgive, and in a way I'm proud of myself that I can be so strong and together to do that, despite all odds. That is somehow very touching...

Facing the past, talking about it, being frank about it, I wrote, will make two people understand one another better. I may not have much experience with love and relationships... I may be afraid and at times closed to love and accepting it, but somehow I do know that openness and truth, trust and understanding are fundamental. Fundamental to finding happiness together, to being happy together, and to maintaining that happiness, through thick and thin.

Maybe I'm not placed to offer marriage advice, but from my heart I wished him happiness and offered my blessings. There is nothing worse than bottling emotions and feelings and thoughts deep down, because it can all fester into frustration, anger, or even rage. It may even make someone withdraw and isolate himself. None of these is pleasant to the one involved, who has to put up with it all.

It is only fair, I wrote, fair to himself and to his wife to get things out in the open, to admit flaws and ugly sides, if they are to enjoy and cherish what it is that brings them together, that binds them together. It will also break from the cycle of arguments and clashes that our parents had while they were together. At least that is the hope.

 Maybe I cried partly because it was painful to write, but genuinely I felt and wished that brother can and will heed my words, and use them to build a stronger and better bond with the wife-to-be. They deserve every bit of happiness in the world, as does everyone else. It is not every day that you find someone, fall in love so deeply, and want to fortify that feeling.

 I may not be able to offer them much, but perhaps what I had to say to my brother can give them the basis of that happiness.