Sick

Our seats were barely warm, but we got up again. Mum rushed out of the restaurant, gagging and her mouth puffed from wanting to throw up. Moments earlier, from the expression on her face, I could tell she was not well, and that it pained her to be in that restaurant at that time, even though it was her who proposed we go out for dinner.

I quickly told the waiter to pack everything, anxiously waiting as the rest of our order was placed into containers for me to take away. I apologised that we had to rush off like this, "She is suddenly unwell. I am sorry," I said as I paid and made for the door. I was shaking, really shaking from the entire episode, and out of worry for mum's wellbeing.

I walked into the busy street, and saw mum sitting on a bench, quietly wiping the corner of her mouth with a tissue. I patted her on the back gently, and confirmed that she threw up again, for the second time today. The first was just when she came out of her radiotherapy. One moment she was walking toward home, looking fine, the next, she was gagging on the pavement as passerbys looked on. 

"Let's go home and you eat first," she said, "I'm sorry you have to see this..."

"Why are you apologising?" I said, my tone louder and more abrupt than I would have liked, "I have no appetite any more". I was frustrated, I really was. I was frustrated, angry perhaps even, and so pained deep down inside because there and then I was not sure what I could do to make her feel better. That pain is still there...

Home we went, and she lay down on the bed as I put the food out on the table to cool down. Noodle soup, two types of vegetables, and some pork ribs, on the nurse's recommendation, in order to quickly restore her white blood cell count. I handed her some water in the metal thermos she likes drinking from, and I stood by her bedside. 

"I'm sorry I got angry," I said, "It's just that I feel so useless." So useless, so helpless, so hopeless that I cannot do anything other than hand her water or stroke her hand to try to alleviate her pain. She forgave me, and said she can imagine how I am feeling. Of course she does not wish to be this way, nor does she wish that I have to see all this. "It was easier when I was by myself," she said, feeling as if she is burdening me, which made me feel even worse.

I sat down on the floor by her bedside and talked for a bit. About my sister-in-law, about my nephew-to-be, about brother and his/their house, and about the Taiwanese superstition (or banality) that one is not supposed to do any renovation work on the house if a baby is coming, for it may 'injure' the newborn. Apparently, my sister-in-law's mother had been wanting to install new air conditioning units. Though already paid for, the installers have been told to wait until my sister-in-law leaves the country, even though the oppressive heat of summer is fast approaching. I think that the conversation distracted mum from her discomfort and pain, and soon she was dozing off. To a state of sleep and semi-consciousness where there is no more pain, no  more discomfort...

I quickly scoffed down my own noodle soup. What normally would taste wonderful tasted so tasteless, and now I feel my stomach churning in discomfort, from indigestion and from worry. I left some food for mum to eat. I am not sure when she will eat again, but eat she must if she is to regain her health and strength. 

Please be well, mum... please...