Wedding

 

It was so uncertain, but in the end mum decided really at the very last minute to go to a wedding she was invited to. Partly, she felt she needed to because it is the big day of her best friend's daughter. Partly she felt somewhat obliged to attend, because according to tradition,  she feels she should personally return the same amount of money ("wedding money" in a red envelop) that her friend gave to my mum at my brother's wedding. So she put on a dress, a beautiful black dress that had a glossy glare and delicate blue embroidery at the waistline, and quickly went to trim her hair in the morning. With a little bit of make-up, she looked really nice, and I complimented her many times, and told her she could look well, and feel well, if she just took a little effort.

I recognised that dress, and it turns out she last wore that dress at my brother's graduation back in 2003. She still fits in the dress just fine, and though her hair is thinner now, with her wig, she looks energetic and just like so many years ago.

She sat with her university friends of over thirty years, laughing, eating and enjoying the festivity and joy of two people coming together. It was beautiful seeing more out and back to 'normal' again, even though I did wonder at times whether she was suppressing her discomforts.

Mum asked me to come along, so I did, just to make sure she'll be alright, and should she need me, I can take her home. Every time I check up on her, she has a broad smile on her face. To think just yesterday she was so agitated and restless, and throwing up too. Afterwards, I reminded her again how a change of mentality and a change of scenery can really make a person feel better, physically and mentally.

Though I was very welcome, I literally just showed up at the wedding, and so I was put at a table with relatives of the bride and groom. Not knowing anyone made me feel awfully awkward, and like every Taiwanese social event, it was made worse by a mother next to me trying to ' sell' me her eligible daughter.

I was deeply moved by the celebration of love of the newly weds. The last wedding I attended was my own brother's, and there at various moments I was so moved that I shed a tear or two. The celebration of love, the uniting of two previously separate lives, the miracle of meeting, of falling in love, and of wanting to spend the rest of their lives together "till death do [they] part". It is simply so romantic, so beautiful, the stuff of fairy tales and my dream fantasy. Before I thought it was because it was so close to my own family that I was touched, but today's event proved that those feelings are not isolated, but something deeply ingrained in my heart.

As I watched videos of the new couple projected in the banqueting hall, that sense of intimacy, warmth and comfort radiated from the way they held one another's hands and bodies, the way the laughed and joked around. Of course, the videos have probably been choreographed to look picture-perfect, yet the sentiments are there, and those sentiments came alive as the couple walked down the aisle hand-in-hand and kissed one another for the longest time before all the guests. 

My heart swooned with emotions, longing, and in a way, also with hurt. Like at my brother's wedding, I wondered about  my own life, and when or whether I will ever experience such a beautiful wedding. Will I ever experience the joy and blessings of so many guests gathered to celebrate the beginning of starting a life with someone I love deeply and who loves me deeply too?  With the recent separation from my friend, I wondered whether we can get back together, and if not, whether I will ever find someone who can come close to him, who managed to so captivate my heart and mind... How wonderful it is to build a stable home together, to be with someone and together go through life's trials and miracle moments, to hold and be held when one person is in need of comfort and support...  

A song began to play as scenes from the coming-together of the newly-weds flashed across the screen. 

When there's love inside (I swear I'll always be strong.) Then there's a reason why. (I'll prove to you we belong.) I'll be the wal that protects you From the wind and the rain, From the hurt and pain.

Let's make it all for one and all for love. Let the one you hold be the one you want, The one you need, 'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all. When there's someone that should know Then just let your feelings show And make it all for one and all for love. 

I had to excuse myself from the table and temporarily step outside. In the corridor, were pictures of the couple next to memorabilia of their coming together. Petals of white and red roses were strewn all over the ground. I looked at it all, at the beauty, at the romance, at the colourfulness of it all, and felt a painful lump in my throat that was difficult to swallow.