I told myself when the upheaval between him and I began, I would try to distance myself from him, from us. I am so afraid of being too drawn, too stuck I cannot pull myself free, and thereby continue to hurt myself, and also hurt him. Perhaps I have already reached that point.
With less than a day till I leave, I woke up this morning feeling suddenly very vulnerable, very emotional. I will really be gone tomorrow, just like that, and like always before a long trip, I get so apprehensive and scared by the uncertainty of when I will return again. On my mind is how I will deal with him... I am tempted, for our sake, for his sake, and for my own sake, not to have too much contact with him while I am away. We tried that back in December, when we went through a similar phase of soul-searching and "distance and time apart". But it didn't work out well, as we called one another everyday, texted regularly, and I wrote messages-- even though I was always so cautious that everything was counter to the original idea of needing time to reflect on his (and my) real feelings. And even in the last two days, we have been calling, texting (though with less frequency compared to before) one another, as if we were still together as a couple.
Look at me, thinking and torturing myself about something which shouldn't be so convoluted and complicated (but nonetheless seems so important...), when mum on the phone earlier just said that her radiotherapy treatment will be extended from the original 12 to 16 sessions. I feel a conflict in my mind, like I need to juggle my priorities and concerns again. As a friend wrote to me to wish me well, she said I shouldn't think too much about the relationship issue, and I should focus all my energy and positivity to be there for mum's treatment and recovery.
I hope I can find the strength to do exactly that...
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