Unwell

Mum is lying on the sofa, her eyes are closed. Yet on her face is the grimace of someone in discomfort, possibly even pain. I put on soft classical music from her own easy-listening collection, Hoping the music will calm her more.

Every few minutes she'd get up, wriggle around, go sit or lie down somewhere else, trying to find a pose or place where she feels more comfortable. Every few minutes she gets restless and agonised. Lying down doesn't feel right, sitting doesn't feel right, watching tv doesn't feel right, me sitting her side trying to calm her and talking to her doesn't feel right... Nothing feels right when your body has undergone eight chemotherapy treatments over a span of close to six months, and to know that there are ten more radiotherapy treatments to go... It pains me so to see mum like this, it really really does....

She feels her throat is aching, like the mind of discomfort and dryness when you are showing the first symptoms of a flu... Only with this one, it will last for some time and get worse before it gets better. I try to comfort her in any way I can, by stroking her arm, holding her hand, by cooking what she wants or feel she can swallow without too much pain or effort. But am I doing enough? Am I ready for this, ready to see once again my own mother suffering and in pain for the coming period? Being away for two months I did not have to see or experience this first hand. It was like a selfish escape from seeing her in pain. But now I'm back here, back by her side again, and must swallow whatever pain or frustration I feel seeing mum like this deep inside, for her sake, and for my own.

I feel the exhaustion and moodiness creep slowly in and get ahold of me. Maybe it's all related to the jetlag too. At this point I really don't know if I can cope with all this again by myself... I feel my heart and mind becoming so disturbed and agitated. more so after learning that my friend's mother just suddenly passed away

My friend, the one with whom I recently was together with, kept calling this morning and texting me to make sure I'm alight. He finds out news about me and how I'm feeling thorough this very blog. I know he is very concerned about my wellbeing and my feelings, but after our separation, after he said he needed to take time out to think, I don't think it's fair for me to burden him any longer with my own problems.

I am touched, so very grateful that he still cares and thinks of me so much, and I let him know that. He said once before he cannot stop caring, but It cannot be healthy to talk or message one another so much, however much I need it, when the object of me being here is to create some distance. How can he think clearly when I am emotionally dependent on him and when he is still so willing to just call and listen?

I need to calm down and collect myself, remind myself whatever I am feeling, however agitated I am, mum has it so much worse. I must remind myself that all this will pass.... But the passing is so agonisingly slow and painful...