Nauseating...

I feel so sick, so nauseated. Shaking, horribly, horribly like a leaf…

I called my boyfriend tonight, and on his face I could see something was wrong. Something fundamental. He was pale and quiet.

Then came the shocker. He had just spoken with his friend, the one he had a brief but passionate romance with back in November. My boyfriend wanted to keep our relationship a secret from the friend. He always insisted that it was because he didn’t want to hurt his friend, which I accepted, however uncomfortable I was with the fact that I was non-existent as far as this friend and former love interest was concerned. I felt insecure whenever I saw them exchange text messages, I felt so frightened when they went to a concert together recently, I felt so fearful the other day that they had exchanged conversation on the phone.

By some twist of fate, my boyfriend’s former love interest found out about us. That was what made my boyfriend numb and go into shock. What are the chances of someone finding out something that should not be found out? All this time I thought he just didn’t want to hurt the friend. But now I am not so sure… there have been signs pointing to my suspicions. My boyfriend, or whatever he is to me, whatever relationship we have become involved in all this time, probably didn’t want the other person to know because he still felt there was a possibility between them. 

I feel so cheap, I feel betrayed, like I am just an option, whereas he was all this time keeping another option open, just in case things did not work out between me and my boyfriend, he could always go back to that friend of his. Maybe that is a harsh assessment of the situation, for maybe he did not know what he felt, and he was so confused and so scared of losing me, that he just jumped at the opportunity to be with me, without much thought, without having first faced his own feelings... 

All this time, all these months, I was slowly, slowly opening up myself, letting go of my feelings, expressing my affection and love for my boyfriend. Yet I felt for some reason there was always some kind hesitation from his side. I could never really figure out why he would sometimes look away or be lost in thought when he was with me.

I could never really figure out why he was sometimes hesitant in showing affection, and there I was wrongly believing that it was just his reserved nature and not wanting to have his feelings be on display. He told me the other day he is hesitant, somewhat holding back, because he was skeptical of love after his previous long term relationship…

But now I know, or at least it is a very strong possibility, that perhaps he has been hesitating and holding back because he still feels for the other boy. What is it about the other person that makes him so intrigued and makes him feel like there is something missing that I could not give him? What is it that I cannot provide or show him, that the other person managed to do so perfectly within the span of a few days chatting, and a night of passion?

Who am I to him? Who have I been to him after all this time? What does our relationship mean to him, really? I never could figure out completely, even though I have asked him from time to time what he feels toward me. Occasionally, he would reach out to touch my hand or stroke my arm in an attempt to assure me what I meant to him… but rarely, at least ever since we began our relationship back in January, did he really say, really describe what I meant to him…

Whereas I have tried in so many ways, so many times, through little notes, through flowers, through messages and through massages and strokes of his body, to let him know how much I appreciate and treasure him being with me… Were those attempts to make him feel loved and cared for all in vain? Was I deluding myself that I had finally find what I have been looking for all this time?

Maybe my boyfriend (for lack of a better word) does has an inability to express his inner most feelings… or maybe, as I suspect, he cannot express what he feels because he is conflicted inside about how he feels toward me, and towards the other guy.

I do not need this, I told him. I do not need to be strung along and toyed with like a test subject. I do not need this kind of excess emotional baggage when I am already so depressed and concerned about mum’s fragile state of health…

Call me selfish or a quitter, but sometimes it is easier to quit while you are ahead. Just quit and let things go, as if it were all a dream...