Long bike ride

He insisted that we go for a bike ride, even though I was reluctant at first. I didn't want to bother him, infect him with my dark, brooding thoughts and mood, even though, as they say, a partner is for better and for worse.

But his large eyes offered compassion, his soft kisses offered solace and comfort. At one point, I broke the silence and cried literally on his shoulder. How embarrassed I was, and kept on apologising for being weak, for being so emotional and distraught by the latest development with mum. I felt like I was such a burden, even though I vowed never to burden anyone with my problems and sorrows. But he knew somehow ways to lure it out of me... To lure the tears out, lure the emotions out, and to leave me drained of sorrow, and filled with renewed energy, and an inkling of hope that things will be ok... I wiped away the tears, stood up and breathed deeply. You can cry, cry and cry, but there is a time to pull together, grit your teeth, and just face life and the world, however ugly or difficult things may be(come).

We did eventually go on the bike ride, a wonderfully long bike ride around the islands and the mighty St Laurent River. The wind seemed to be against us, yet we pressed forward and rode, romantically, care-freely at dusk. On a bridge spanning the sprawling river that more resembled a broad open sea, I looked deeply into his eyes, admired his face, his lips, his hair which all so beautifully glowed in the gentle rays of the setting sun. I was filled with such gratitude, such appreciation that in frightful moments of confusion and despair, I am not alone anymore.

As I peddled, I felt freed from my worries, distracted, if only temporarily, from my fears of the unknown. On my wrist I carried a bag, and in the bag sat a white teddy bear mum had bought me when I was in Taiwan back in January. "Hug this when you think of me," mum told me.

The bear accompanied me every bit of the way as I biked, through the city, over the river, past woods and green fields, past industrial estates and giant ships docked on the quay... I wanted to take the bear around, symbolically as if I were showing mum around. Probably a stupid gesture of make-believe and fantasy, imagining that she could see what I saw and experience the wind and freedom in my hair as I biked hard around the city...

But however ridiculous or stupid I looked with a teddy bear with his head peeping out of a bag dangling on my wrist, I seemed to receive great comfort and assurance from it. It was as if i was doing something that hopefully across the vast stretches of land and seas mum could experience and feel that I am with her whatever I am doing, wherever I am heading.

Even if I wee not physically there, my hugs and caresses of the little white teddy in my mind can transcend time and space to reach mum and offer her comfort and assurance far, far away...