Gathering storm

Originally we had dinner invitations by a mutual friend, and because of the latest upheaval in our relationship, I alone went. I had to cover for my boyfriend, make up that he wasn't feeling well, and throughout dinner, whenever our friend made references to our relationship, how solid it was and how beautiful it was to see it blossom finally, I could but smile weakly and stay quiet. Where do you begin with where our relationship now stands...?

I was feeling sick after the meal, perhaps sick in the way I always get when something upsetting and traumatic occurs in my life. I went to pick up my bike from his place, half hoping, expecting him to maybe say something, but there was nothing. Just a teary-eyed look at me, a look which I tried to avoid. All that was said was "Ride safely..."
And I left hurriedly on my back, didnt even look back because a storm was gathering, and tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes...

After all we have gone through, nothing to say? To be fair, it has been a rough two days and sleepless night, and this afternoon was spent balling his eyes out from hurt and loss. But just last night we told one another what it was that made our relationship so special-- the fact that it was built on our friendship, our inside jokes, our live if biking and travelling and much more.

All that does not compare or measure up to his feelings for someone he connected over the course of a week? All that in jeopardy because he is torn? What am I supposed to feel when he tells me again and again that he cares about me, feels for me, or even loves me, when there seems to be still so much doubt and hesitation about our relationship, despite what I have tried to do to make him happy and feel loved and appreciated.

Feelings cannot be explained or rationalised, and it is utterly unfair, impossible even, for anyone to dictate how you should feel towards another person. But at thus stage I just feel I cannot be in a friendship, a relationship even, where there are so many complications, so much emotional baggage and outside pressure.

However much I treasure our friendship, our relationship, I just cannot stay idly by and wait and wait only to be hurt and burnt again....