The past, the story of how we came to be together, is filled with ups and downs. As wonderful and comforting the presence of his body and breath next to mine, at times, I cannot help but wonder what my boyfriend is thinking of...
Perhaps a lot of it are just imaginations feeding off of my own insecurity. To be fair, I have only myself to blame, and I cannot ask too much of my boyfriend. So if he says he wants to go to a concert with the boy he had an intense but short-lived relationship with, who I am to say no, even if I am uncomfortable with the idea?
To be honest, till this day, I still feel so insecure when I think back to those days in December, those days filled with tears, uncertainty and jealousy. I feel insecure when I am reminded of the intimate moments they shared, and it makes me wonder whether they are writing to one another, or speaking to one another when I am not around... Last I heard was that my boyfriend does not want to tell the other person that we are in a relationship, for fear of hurting the other guy's feelings. It is understandable, but part of me cannot shake off the idea that perhaps the other person is still waiting, still clinging onto hope of starting something with my boyfriend-- something I am partly responsible for breaking apart... And is not going to a concert filled with songs about love and relationships not pushing the limits?
But, really, who am I to say to my boyfriend he cannot see this or that person or restrict him from having contact with people in his past relationships? To to that would be just being a petty and vicious person who is trying to horde all of someone's affection and attention. Everyone has a past, and that is no different for my boyfriend (or for me for that matter...). He had relationships with different people before, he shared things and memories with other lovers before me, and those memories are there to stay. My boyfriend decided to be with me, and since those tumultuous days, we have had so many beautiful moments and laughs together. What is important is that he is with me now, and we should look forward to making a future together, to sharing our lives and experiences together instead of dwelling on things that have already happened...
Maybe there is nothing to worry about, because it is all in my mind. Maybe, as my boyfriend was humming this song to me the other day, he was trying to tell me something. I am someone who needs assurance, who needs to be told again and again that things are alright, because I have a tendency to think of the worst. Even if I do sometimes wonder whether his mind wonders when he is with me, we have come a long way since then, and it would be a shame if I cannot shake off all these feelings of insecurity deep down inside...
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