Two days before my exam, still four long chapters to study, and still have to read all the material again to remind myself of what I've been studying. Can't remember much, feel like its all a blur...
Just got out the paper that lists the number of subjects I need to do before I'm qualified to take the bar. After the exam (provided I pass...), five more exams to do. And then two bar exams to sit. What for, I asked myself. Why am I doing this when I don't even want to practice law? But if not law , then what?
I'm so stressed I've been biting my nails even more than before. There's no more nails to bite, I'm even bleeding in some fingers... Why am I putting myself through this when I'm still so fragile, so very tired and so very very susceptible to swings of emotions and tears?
I've been unable to sleep these days till 4am or so, and wake up feeling exhausted at close to noon, sometimes even after noon. Haven't been to work for a week, have been trying to cram it all in before the exam... Feel so useless, but I'm really trying, really really trying my best, and struggling terribly because of the lack of encouragements from my mother... Do you know how it is to fight sadness and depression and to try to keep myself going by my own sheer will power and discipline? Do you know what it feels like to do something when you have so little motivation and energy to do?
Struggling to study due to poor concentration and a mind that feels like "soft cheese" (as someone in my therapy group described it...) It's such a battle to focus, to sit down and work on something, work toward something...
But one day, one day I will look back and see: I've come so far. One day I hope to look back and amaze myself that despite all odds, despite being alone, despite having no more parents around, I manage to scramble onto my two feet and stand up...
No comments:
Post a Comment