Finally, after two and a half weeks or so on the road, a warm shower that doesn't suddenly turn cold, a comfortable bed to sleep in. And no more honking, no more noise as hollering. I quickly went to bed after giving my brother and his wife an overview on my trip, and almost as soon as I lay down, I fell asleep...
I dreamt, first of me trying to catch a crowded train in India, trying to get to Sarnath for some reason and failing terribly. There were so many dangerous looking people around, and I felt threatened and scared...
Then my ex appeared. He was crying, longing for me, missing me terribly. We've not spoken for over two weeks. I just don't know what to say to him, and at times I feel this frustration and anger toward him. I've written to him so many times telling him my feelings, but none of my mails were answered. I can only assume he's perfectly fine without me around, and so there's even less desire to contact him. Those things he said about how much he will always love me, about wanting to be together... Distant words with very little meaning now, it feels like. Sad. Very very sad that it hurts and pains me greatly. It's kept me awake and feeling agitated so often during my trip. I feel like I've lost someone very dear, and this right after mum's death... Who do I really have left to rely on or turn to now? Does he understand or realise how things, how this lingering ambiguity in our friendship (or whatever it is we have...) and growing distance between us are affecting me? From his silence, I can only assume he's found his happiness, and I'm no longer part of that life.
In the dream, he seemed to be so sad, so full of regret. He was crying so much, like the only way I can make him cry, in a way I've not seen any one else cry... He was trying to reach out to me, but I was unresponsive. Is this what happens after a time of no contact and lots of misunderstandings? Is this what becomes of two people who care about each too much if turns into frustration and even anger when the other is no longer responsive and becomes distant?
I don't know... But in the dream I did feel (or am perhaps fooled...?) that there is still so much love, so much care. I wanted to reach out and hold him, to hug and miss him... but it was so hard. I just turned away and was stone cold, whereas he cried and cried...
Horrible dream...
I dreamt, first of me trying to catch a crowded train in India, trying to get to Sarnath for some reason and failing terribly. There were so many dangerous looking people around, and I felt threatened and scared...
Then my ex appeared. He was crying, longing for me, missing me terribly. We've not spoken for over two weeks. I just don't know what to say to him, and at times I feel this frustration and anger toward him. I've written to him so many times telling him my feelings, but none of my mails were answered. I can only assume he's perfectly fine without me around, and so there's even less desire to contact him. Those things he said about how much he will always love me, about wanting to be together... Distant words with very little meaning now, it feels like. Sad. Very very sad that it hurts and pains me greatly. It's kept me awake and feeling agitated so often during my trip. I feel like I've lost someone very dear, and this right after mum's death... Who do I really have left to rely on or turn to now? Does he understand or realise how things, how this lingering ambiguity in our friendship (or whatever it is we have...) and growing distance between us are affecting me? From his silence, I can only assume he's found his happiness, and I'm no longer part of that life.
In the dream, he seemed to be so sad, so full of regret. He was crying so much, like the only way I can make him cry, in a way I've not seen any one else cry... He was trying to reach out to me, but I was unresponsive. Is this what happens after a time of no contact and lots of misunderstandings? Is this what becomes of two people who care about each too much if turns into frustration and even anger when the other is no longer responsive and becomes distant?
I don't know... But in the dream I did feel (or am perhaps fooled...?) that there is still so much love, so much care. I wanted to reach out and hold him, to hug and miss him... but it was so hard. I just turned away and was stone cold, whereas he cried and cried...
Horrible dream...
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