Banned

I dread with much fear just thinking about it. The possibility of going back to Taiwan and not being able to leave because of military service. A year of my life gone, serving a cause (military...) and country I feel so distinct toward.

But mum and dad are there, and I did promise to visit them... I really want to, but the risk of not being able to leave the country if I don't do military service is too great a sacrifice...

When I overstayed to be with mum back in May, I was "punished". My automatic right to enter the country as a EU national was revoked for a year. If I want to go back, I need a good reason. Back in June, the reason was mum, the reason was humanitarian. But there is no reason to go back in February... Bluntly the visa office told me both my parents are gone, so now I can't even say I'm visiting family (extended family doesn't count...) Needing to pack and deal with mum's belongings isn't reason enough. She died over half a year ago... Unless I want to reinstate my Taiwanese passport, I can only go back with a legitimate reason. Otherwise, I just have to wait till the visa restriction expires in May next year...

Part of me is glad that I don't have to go back now, at least in February... Fears have been allayed, at least for the time being. But part of me feels bad. I have a lot of stuff waiting at home that still need to be packed and organised... I can hear brother grumbling already that I'm just leaving things for him to do. And I have a feeling a lot of valuable things will just be thrown away when I'm not there to salvage them... What in his eyes may be rubbish, junk, in my eyes may hold such memories of mum and dad...

And will dad and mum not be disappointed that I'm not there for New Years...? It's the fifth year since dad passed away, and the first year without mum... I could just cry thinking of this. It's depressing and very sad... Am I being selfish thinking about my life and not willing to risk being detained for military service?

I am deeply upset by what I was told this morning. And I feel so miserable from my persisting illness, which isn't showing signs of going away...