Time wasted

That was already half an hour? What did I waste my energy on? On random thoughts and imaginary events, on deceiving memories and crude fantasies of what may be, what could have been, but never was and never will be.

Half an hour of my life went away just like that. And I realise what a waste of energy and my life that has been. Imagine the times and moments when I don't realise, when I just let the precious moments slip away without realising I am letting the mind run wild and take over me.

All that time and energy can be spent doing more constructive things...

17.43

Driving myself insane with thoughts...

Of my friend, of the strange status we find ourselves in, of the fear of losing a special, special bond... Of my cat, and how i'm abandoning her so much... And thoughts of mum's illness, and what my role is in her life now...

LET THINGS GO!


18.14
The wind suddenly changed, I could hear it blow stronger and stronger. Out of nowhere, it seemed, such strength, such brute force. Leaves fled in  bedazzled confusion, needle-like rain left wet stains the clear window.

I watched from the shelter of the house, watched the storm approach and darken the skies with grey and gloom. On the horizon, clusters of white clouds that still glistened in the gilded light of dusk shyly retreated to make way for the denser and weightier clouds.

Birch trees that stood tall like bamboos swayed and shivered. The wind was fierce, but the trees are fiercer, more reisilient. Shrubs , with golden round leaves like shiny coins, tossed their bodies in a frantic dance.

Then it happened. Right before my eyes, a tree gave in and bent in two. Like a person with weak knees, the top of the tree tumbled and fell, leaving a jagged stump standing in the middle of the birch forest. Did the tree fall? Yes it did, I saw it.

But how many trees have fallen, how many trees have grown since time immemorial beyond my knowledge, beyond what I can see? Did those trees not fall, did those trees not grow, even when I was not there to witness tier fall or growth?

The world moves on, and how little of it I can see, and even less of it I can control.

20.33
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

Enjoy yourself... Infuse yourself with joy.

Fill your mind with happiness and pleasure, virtue and goodness. Pleasure not in the material and worldly sense, but pleasure that is satisfying and lasting. Pleasure that feeds the heart and calms the mind.

There is nothing you have to do, no place in particular you have to arrive at, nothing in particular you must achieve.

Just enjoy yourself, fill your mind with serenity and peace, and in that peace find clarity and certainty, find happiness and even more joy that will propel those positive energies and emotions and dispel the negativities and fears.

Too often we are striving too hard, trying to push ourselves, trying to compare ourselves to others, and even to the way we used to be.

Too often there is much doubt, much uncertainty, much disturbance because we fear we are not 'good' enough, because we are filled with regrets and unfulfilled desires.

 But real joy, real happiness is not about seeking pleasures and distractions from somewhere else, from someone else. It is to be found when you let go, when you open the heart and flush it with ease and lightness.

We cling on so much to burdens and worries. It's a force of habit. We want to change the way things are, we want to change the way people are, and we are frustrated when we realise, wen we know we cannot change much. We can only accept the way things are, and let things be...

Relax our minds, relax our tightly clenched fists and wants, and open ourselves to what there is around us... Open ourselves and see the lightness in everything, in everyone, and in every moment we experience and live with.

Let go of the heaviness of your heart an mind, let go of the unnecessary burdens and worries and fears...

Infuse yourself with light, goodness and joy. And watch all that lightness, goodness and joy multiply and infect others around you.