Away...

At the airline lounge, half an hour or so before boarding. It's empty here, somewhat like what I'm feeling right now. outside the window a row of planes are waiting to take off. Soon enough it will me soaring into the skies...

My friend stayed the night, and we slept next to one another. We spooned one another, and I wanted those moments to last forever... I'm in his arms, he in mine... No one else, nothing else. Being so close to another person, feeling his warmth, feeling the softness of his breath, the gentleness of his touch, the smoothness of his beautiful skin, is more intoxicating than anything else, more intimate than simple sex...

Alas there can be a long time, there can be a short time, there is a night, there can be "five more minutes". Nothing lasts forever.

He accompanied me to the bus station, and we exchanged our last words. I looked into his eyes, beautifully glistening in the morning sun. He forced a smile, I did too.

What was behind his smile? Behind mine was some unwillingness to go, some doubt about when I will be back again, and the certainty that while I'm away I'll think of him, miss him. The bus pulled away, I waved, he waved.

He turned away and walked away, looking smart in a dark suit. In his hand, he carried a little sack containing his gym things, and a card I had hidden for him to read. "Find your peace..." he said to me. I hope that he too will find peace and happiness that he so longs for.

Later at the airport, I spoke to mum. As soon as I put down the phone, there will be no communication for the coming ten days. And I'm very afraid of that.

Two days after her latest treatment, she still sounded tired and somewhat pensive. The painkillers infuse a state of drowsiness into her days now, but at least they help to mask the pain. She does not know it, but I have the keys to the house, and I can go see her in twelve days time. All I need to do is cross the ocean.

Mum went on for a few moments about how the markets are diving again. I could not really hear her... All I could think of, all I could see is her in that house all by herself. That makes me sad. Retired, with the potential to enjoy her life finally, but she lost her husband, and is losing her health... I told her to take good care, repeated what by now is the same chant about how she should eat well, how she should exercise and go outdoors.

She hears this so often now, I wondered to myself whether my words have any effect at all. I wish so often, as I wished when I spoke to her earlier, I could hold her hand, hug her tightly, and tell her all these things in person. I wish I could do that and much more instead having to suppress my sobs and tears while I'm on the phone with her. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I pray and hope that she is well, free from pain, and strong.

"Be brave," I said. Those were my last words to mum. She will no doubt be on my mind...

I'm going away to find my peace. I wish i did not have to, but it is for the best, i know. I'm leaving home and the familiar surroundings and comfort of what I have grown so used to to find myself, when in fact everything is in the mind and how I choose to perceive things and people around me.

Looking back at my diary, which contained notes and scribbles from exactly a year ago, I emerged from the monastery charged and rejuvenated. I was reminded of how for a few moments during my retreat, I found true bliss, true happiness that is independent of anyone, that is not dependent on anything. For a few brief moments, my mind reached a state of blankness that was serene and stable, that was free from confusion, lust or fears.

I know what is gone cannot be recreated, cannot be felt again. But I do hope at least some peace and quiet In the seclusion of the forest will lift the troubles, emotional upheavals and events that have filled my life an disturbed me so over the past year

The moment I enter that monastery, there is nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say to change things and the ways of the world. Things will happen in my absence, things I will found out, if that, only after I emerge. And it will all have happened, it will all have passed...

But I can change my mind, change myself and how I relate to everything else around me. I can learn to let go of the people and events that trouble me so, learn to be with myself, with my mind, and learn to tame it.

It is the perhaps most difficult task of all, and most people don't dare or don't know how to look inward to see the disturbances and ugliness that is often simmering inside... Most people don't know how to cultivate the tranquility and compassion of the mind and heart...

But I will try. And I hope, for my sake, and for the sake of others in my life, I will be one step closer to dropping a lot of the baggage that is weighing down on my shoulders.