Resolution

I sat and watched my breath for a while... And then there was suddenly a sense of clarity.

For almost a year I've been caught and entangled in two problems that have so loomed over my life and happiness. My mum's health, which i cannot change, and my relationship with my friend, which too I cannot change.

But I can let one thing go, and there will be less on my shoulders. I can drop one and focus my energies on one thing, so that I'm not divided or distracted, and so that I can find more peace.

The other day, my friend told me he would like to "resolve" me. He too has been caught in an entangled mess, caught between two people. He's been unhappy, and torn. Well, I can help him resolve me... I will go.

Ive said this before, i know. But one of us has to be resolved (as in determined) to make a step. I will no longer be in the way, I will no longer make him feel torn. I will    (try) to stop having any contact with my friend, to give him time to thunk things through, to give him the freedom to do what he wants, to give him the space to find out where his heart truly lies.

And the easiest way to do that is to take leave.

I can leave here, drop everything and not look back, and not have to keep on wondering whether I should stay here because there is a chance still with my friend. For the last few years, ever since I met him, I've been back an forth, going back to Canada because it is where I feel happiest and freeest. But part of, if not the main, reason  I kept on going back to Canada is because he was there, he was waiting for me, as a friend, as a lover...

But now those feelings have waned and become soured, I fear... It was so beautiful, how we supported one another and was there for one another, no matter what.  But somehow I feel that can no longer be without one of us feeling torn and conflicted.

However much I am hurting, however much I long for company and a listening ear, however much I would like to just cry in front of someone, I have lost that... I no longer want to be a user of what he called "listening services". I simply can't force my feelings and my emotional needs on him, not when he wants me to be "resolved" so he can move on.

There is still that care and love, I know it, I feel it. Does he feel it? Does he know it? Does he feel the depth of those feelings ?  But it is now confused and we are both too close to see whether we are hanging around one another because of the comfort and because we're so used to it, or because there truly is something there between us.

I care about him, I love him still, yet it is tiring, almost a year on, that we are still in the same place, more or less... It is tiring to keep on wondering, as I wondered last year when he said he wanted to be with me, whether there is another person in his mind, in his heart. It is exhausting to be next to him, to hold and hug him, to try to kiss him, and yet be turned away. I did that to him too, I know...

 I know I created much of this mess, I have myself to blame. But I want to free myself, to free him, from this all by stepping out, by removing myself, if only for a little while.

He can have his time to think, to pursue his own happiness, to be free and be guilt-free about starting something. He does not have to worry any more whether if he starts to see someone, I would get angry and hurt because it's so soon after our breakup. He does not have to explain himself anymore how much he is writing to someone or that it is all "just friends". And the more I get away, the further I am, the less he will know about my life, my troubles, which will make him worry less, and help him to move  on. I really would rather not, but I don't know how best to deal with the whole situation other than run away and put all this great big distance and barrier between us.

I treasure his friendship, and all that he has given me over the past few years. But I have taken enough from him, I have kept him away from his happiness and dreams far too long by being such an overbearing presence in his life.

 I want him to be happy, I really do. I want him to find the person who can give him what I could never fully provide him... I want him to feel appreciated, loved, cared for who he is... I want someone who can share his interest in music, pop culture and fancy clothes, someone who can keep him laughing, keep him smiling, instead of make him sad or make him frown with such heavy topics as my mum's health and the such. I feel I have been and become such a burden, and kept him from the beautiful gift of smiling, of laughing, of loving unconditionally...

I can let go him him, let him be free, and in the mean time I can free myself too from all this relationship trouble and entanglements that have caused us both much sorrow and wasted energies.

I want to let him go, for it is easiest for both of us. And in the long run, I think we'll benefit from it. If we are really such strong friends, I we are really meant to be together and realise that sometime from now, then let that be.

But now I need to go...

I need to let him go, for his sake, and for my own.