Wandering mind

How the mind changes so quickly, from day to day, from moment to moment!

Just yesterday I was so sure, so determined to go home and spend some time with mum. But today, while meditating, I was filled with doubts, hindrances, fears... What if I can't leave as intended? What if I can't return to Canada because I don't have a proper study permit? What if the plane crashes?

And I was questing myself: why am I really going home? To escape from montreal, to keep more distance and time away from my friend so he (and I) can sort our feelings out? Or to be with mum, to really spend some time with her, just with her, to give her a boost of encouragement a support before I leave again to ultimately start pursuing my own goals in life?

Doubts, questioning, different reasons why I should and should not go home... Fears, missed opportunities, what may be, fear of missing out and coming home two weeks later to learn that much has changed in my absence... Fear that mum would be more hurt than helped by me showing up and leaving again so soon...

 Fear of the unknown... Fears, anxieties, uncertainties...

 All the things that were not there yesterday, but somehow have surfaced to disturb my peace, to conquer my mind...

All the things that through this retreat and meditation, I am supposed to overcome.

18.16

Just because someone (good looking and kind) offers you a ride, doesn't mean you're going to get together settle down and live long, happy lives together as partners and Buddhists!

But that is the way the mind wonders... The mind Takes a gesture, a word, a symbol, a sign and adds on meanings, fantasies and day dreams that do not exist! It's scary when you realise that so much time and energy is wasted allowing the mind to wonder and to proliferate freely and fantastically...

Some thoughts are plain absurd, completely out of touch with reality, completely imaginations of what may be or could be, just based on what I perceive to be. The guy is probably not even gay for starters, but I'm already imagining how soft and gentle his touch must be, how caring and sensitive he must be, just based on what i've observed him doing over the last week or so...!

Ridiculous... But this is the nature of the mind- it has (literally) a mind of its own, likes to escape reality and dive deep into surreal,  imaginative fabrications of what re world should be idealistically based on our deepest desires, fears and delusions. And good that I see it, can try to capture and tame the mind before it proliferates any more, before it gets any more lost and confused by what is real and what is imaginary. But just think how often we are lost in thoughts, lost in flights of fantasy, but do not realise it... Just think how often we may just do things without realising that we are perhaps influenced in our ways by our inherent "greed, hatred and delusion".

I see how dangerous it is that a word, a kind gesture, a move can be so misinterpreted and be used to fuel imaginary realities in the mind... Or it could be just the effects of delusions from deprived of sexual release for the past seven days.

20.38 (dharma talk by sister Mahn)

To a little child who is learning, you would not be too harsh or punish him for making a mistake or for wondering around. For the child to learn needs patience, encouragements, and equanimity.

 It is the same with our minds... Our minds have been so conditioned to respond, to react, to have feelings of aversion, to have feelings longing and desire. But the mind can learn to just experience, to just be, to not have so many wandering thoughts, to have equanimity of feelings, to be unmoved by external factors and change that go on all around us.

The teachings Buddha are simple: there is suffering and discontent in all of us, but we can develop and let the happiness and calm that is also within all of us thrive. There is that potential in everyone,  we just need patience, understanding and clarity to develop those potentials.

Like we eat a varied diet to maintain the health of our bodies, we must also have a varied practice of meditation to cultivate the health of our minds. Meditating on the breath is good to calm our minds and reach the here and now, but we can also cultivate loving kindness.

We can cultivate love and kindness for all beings, spread love and warmth to those closest to us, to our friends, and even to those we are in conflict with. Just the sending out love, compassion, and understanding from our minds is powerful enough to fill our hearts and minds with much  calm and joy.

We can also develop calmness and clarity by meditating on death and impermanence. By reflecting in our minds that everything will die, everything will change, we free our minds from clinging and attachments, we allow ourselves to better see and experience this world as it really is, and not as we would like it to be- which is ultimately the cause of all our pain and suffering when what we want the world to be is not the way it really is.

Anyone can do this... Asian or white, male or female, old or young... And this retreat, with all these different people from different backgrounds coming together in one place for ten days is evidence of how we can all strive toward improving ourselves, and how we can, from experience, share that improvement with people around us.

 We all posess that essential element of being human and being constantly subject to the changing nature of the world and of ourselves. We can look inward to find true calm, true peace and true happiness. We can experience the world and just be, but not be caught up with all the noise and bustle. This is the way to higher living, to living free from fear, and living with real joy and peace.