The past

I was just walking, walking... A cold, blustery morning. Just walking, just letting my mind follow the movements of my feet... Left, right, left, right...

Then our of nowhere faces of my past appeared...

 Carmen... Her beautiful face, her lovely smile, her loud, careless laughter... The touch of her hand as she lay in her bed and slept. So warm, so frail, yet so warm it felt...

Tehwei... His calm complexion, his seriousness, his gentle voice, his poetic way with words... I too held onto his hand as he struggled and groaned in pain... I had to hold on to my tears till I  left his bedroom for the last time...

Dad... His closed eyes, his familiar scent, his lips, his eyebrows, his thin, frail body... I held onto his hand as he slipped away from this world. I was the last person who touched him when he drew his last breath... I felt his warmth,  his fatherly warmth...

The blustery wind blew into my eyes, and tears shed unexpectedly. How many people I have lost over the past few years! Am I stronger? Or have I become weighed down with death and loss?

And who do I have left? Mum, but she too is fading quickly from my life. And I will lose her too. Then what...? Who would I have in my life I can really share with, talk to and not feel inhibited and say what I feel...? Who do I have now I can show my love to and pour out all these warm, intimate feelings?

I held onto my arms tightly, hugged myself, and braved the wind and the rain that was beginning to fall.




20.37
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

Why do we practice? To see the changing nature of the world, to see beyond what are mere symbols. We practice to see... To see beyond the beauty and beyond the temporariness of every thing and every one in the world. We practice to liberate ourselves, to free our minds from attaching too much objects and persons who eventually, because they will disappear or die, will cause us suffering.

The practice is not dead unchanging. You should modify the practice to match your moods and energy levels. If you're tired, stand or walk. If you're agitated, walk quicker. If you're calm and collected, sit and try to sit without time constraints. Sometimes the mind can only be tamed after an hour, or even two hours. Sometimes you can sit and quickly calm your mind and bring it to this present moment. But often it'll escape and run wild. Sit and watch it, for sitting is the best posture (followed by standing, walking and lying down). Sit, and if necessary change postures mindfully and slowly, always maintaining that calm and that collectedness. After a while you will realise...

When there is clarity and lightness, when you are not burdened by worries, anxieties and fears, then you can see clearly. Then you will realise the truth of things, the true nature of things, and you will free yourself