New years came and went... No fanfare, no celebrations, no festivities. I prefer not to, I chose not to. Instead, perhaps more symbolic than anything else (but I certainly hope not...) I studied from the eve of 2013 through to the first hour of 2014. It is a resolution, of sorts, to study and finally finish once and for all, the law exams that have been taking much too long. Exams that I began as mum;s health waned, one of which I tried to study so hard for the month or so she passed away, and that I have been struggling, really terribly struggling to complete one by one.
What do I wish for in 2014 ? I was told it will be the most difficult year, especially seen from the Chinese zodiac point of view. Perhaps the worst year in a cycle of 12 years. After 2012, the year of losing my mother, after 2013 the year I've so struggled to overcome loss and to move on, while at the same time losing the two stuffed animals dearest to me (and my very first pet...) all I want is some semblance of peace and sanity, and love...
I wish for peace and tranquility, wish that I can weather whatever difficulties are to come my way. Do I not deserve a break? Do I not deserve some lightness, some kind of joy, real joy, real contagious joy that will endure and lift the burdens of loss and mourning?
And I wish for love, and that my heart is open to love. Love to infuse me with energy, encouragement, support and intimacy... Love that is needed to relight that flame of passion and drive that I know I harbour within, that undying flame of dedication and care I demonstrated in caring for loved ones till the very end. I know I have it in me, but the flame has for over a year now become so dim and almost dying. I need love to remind myself that I am a valuable person who is loving and deserves to be loved.
And as always, as every year and every day when I sit and meditate, I wish peace, warmth, love and compassion to my friends (especially this one person...), to my family and relatives, and to the world.
May it be a happy year for all.
May all be free and free from suffering.
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