Ich bin ich

What am I doing? Rewarding my friend with my body, my time listening to his pursuit of a love affair?

He stayed the night, and told me the latest developments between him and the boy. In a way I don't want to hear details, but in a masochistic way, I want to know too... To know where they are, how my friend is coping or feeling. Or perhaps I just want to confirm or deny whether there is still a chance between us, somehow.

And again, we ended up in bed. Sex has never been anything short of phenomenal, and yesterday we went further than before, even though it caused me some pain and bleeding.

But we were caught up in lust, longed for one anothers bodies, longed for climax and that comfort of sleeping next to one another and hugging. So I gave in to my desires, against my better judgment perhaps. At one point i asked him to look at me in the eyes...

We looked deeply into one another's eyes, and in my mind I asked myself whether he saw me, whether he was really fully there with me at that very moment. "Ich bin ich" (I am I) I said, referring to the lyrics of a German song I let him listen to. the night was so very intense, our bodies vibrating in sync, connecting on a physical and metaphysical level like they have not for a long, long time. It was so very intimate, and I savored the moments, the touch and warmth of his arms, his breath on my face, the groans of wild pleasure and ecstasy...

We fell asleep together, I put my arms around him, spooned him like so many times before till he began to twitch a little, a sign I know that he is close if not already sleeping. I rolled back to my side of the bed, pulled my blanket over me, but felt a little empty inside...