Lag

In an effort to shield myself, I decided to stop publishing my blog entries immediately. I'm still writing, but I'm saving the drafts for publication until a week or two later.

One reason to do this is because before, my ex would often read my blog and if something is bothering me or if I'm feeling down or upset, he would immediately call or rush over to comfort me. I appreciated that greatly, because nobody has ever done anything as touching and caring for me, especially in my time of need. But since we broke up and since I wanted to keep some distance from him, at least for the coming period, I don't think it's healthy for either of us to be so involved in one another's lives so much.

I told him I still care deeply about him and his wellbeing, and I know he cares deeply about my life and what is affecting me emotionally, especially surrounding the condition of my mother. But I just don't feel right or comfortable being so dependent on him for support, for comfort, especially if he is to go into a new relationship. Imagine what the other person would think if my ex is constantly reading my blog and getting worried and wanting to come comfort me whenever I am down and upset by something (which seems to be often)! It's not fair... it's not right.  I don't want to distract him and keep part of his heart and mind with me and make him feel divided and conflicted when he enters into another relationship. That was what tortured him the most, and he does not need to go through that again. Best is if can let go of me, be less concerned about me so that we have the time and space to adjust to the new relationship we find ourselves in.

It's not that I want a clean break and to start hiding news of my life. I still very much want him to be around, and I think he wants me to be around too... but I just feel we can no longer have that instant care and provision of care and support like we used to at this moment.

Maybe it will change one day soon... but when he is trying to move on and so desperately wants to start a relationship with someone else, the last thing he should be thinking of and worrying about is my feelings and my wellbeing.

So this blog will continue, but there will just be a little delay in the updates.